I'm starting to loath LA. I hate the traffic, the expensive real estate, the fact that 20 miles is 45 minutes away.
I want to get out of here.
But how? This was my choice. Can I go on vacation for a year and pretend I have no responsibility? Can I go on hiatus like a movie star and choose not to work for a couple of months?
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Unpoetic
It's become a burden to write. I used to be able to put everything in words, all the anguish and memories and worries. I feel like everyone is playing tug-of-war with me; they need this, they need that, can't you do this better, why are you just sitting there, what are you going to do next, if you don't do it now, you might now have tomorrow... and on and on. I'm tired. I really am. I'm tired of being responsible, and, yet, that's the way I am. I've tried to be reckless, but it's against my nature. I tried to get mad drunk and dance on a bar, but, instead, I fell asleep on my friend's couch. I tried to drive away, but came home in two days. I am more relaxed at work than I am at home.
It was easier to write about love two years ago when I thought that the only way my heart would ever be was broken. I'm actually happy now, and it's hard to write about being happy-in-love without cringing. Really. My feelings seem less intense when verbalized, because I don't hurt as much. There are many eloquent words for pain and sadness and anguish. Also, I whine more now than think. I hate feeling anything when I'm stressed because sometimes it's paralyzing. So, what do you talk about when you're happy-in-love and stressed because life seems a bit more difficult than you expect? Nothing, you take a breather, you leave, you try to find something dramatic or worthwhile. Or you let it find you.
It was easier to write about love two years ago when I thought that the only way my heart would ever be was broken. I'm actually happy now, and it's hard to write about being happy-in-love without cringing. Really. My feelings seem less intense when verbalized, because I don't hurt as much. There are many eloquent words for pain and sadness and anguish. Also, I whine more now than think. I hate feeling anything when I'm stressed because sometimes it's paralyzing. So, what do you talk about when you're happy-in-love and stressed because life seems a bit more difficult than you expect? Nothing, you take a breather, you leave, you try to find something dramatic or worthwhile. Or you let it find you.
Monday, June 06, 2005
On dysfunctional relationships
When I was younger, I used to think that love, like money, grew on trees. All you had to do was wait for the right season to pick the ripest fruit; that love would bloom no matter what.
Bullshit.
Love, like money, is hard to come by. You have to bust your hump trying to get it. Sometimes, it eludes you, sometimes, you're broke, and the chances of winning the lottery are unlikely. But when you do, it's best to learn how to keep it. When things come in a mad rush of excess, you'll tend to take it for granted.
It's very hard to be articulate about cheaters and being cheated on. The only reason I mention this is because it seems to be happening too close to home. My girl friends are experiencing it and I try my best to talk them through it. I wish I could be there, you know, to just be there. I knew their boy friends and I knew how they were. Even I was shocked to hear what had happened and how they treated my friends, but certain things come to an end, whether we accept it or not.
I can't say I never saw it coming. Being the person outside looking in, it's easy to say that the relationship is doomed. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't tell my friends that the relationship is dysfunctional. They wouldn't believe me and they would try to prove me wrong. This is the tendency of the woman: to be loyal without thinking. We like to avoid "warning signs" for some odd reason. I think that a lot of us have the tendency to be stupid optimists (at times). He'll change, eventually. He's not always going to be this way. Some day he'll start thinking straight. Then we realize he's not ever going to change, that his life is having it's own party and we're not invited. Most of the time, we understand this too late, when we're in the throes of "unconditional love" and nothing is more important than saving the relationship and saving him.
Anyway, to make a long story short, there's nothing more that I want for my friends than to be with the person who loves them in the simplest, most uncomplicated way there is. I know their pain, I know how hard it is. You think that the world is crashing down on you, but when you wake up the next day, the ceiling is still there, the sun is out and everyone is happy except you.
My girls will eventually pick up and move on, but betrayal changes a life. I know it's changing theirs.
Bullshit.
Love, like money, is hard to come by. You have to bust your hump trying to get it. Sometimes, it eludes you, sometimes, you're broke, and the chances of winning the lottery are unlikely. But when you do, it's best to learn how to keep it. When things come in a mad rush of excess, you'll tend to take it for granted.
It's very hard to be articulate about cheaters and being cheated on. The only reason I mention this is because it seems to be happening too close to home. My girl friends are experiencing it and I try my best to talk them through it. I wish I could be there, you know, to just be there. I knew their boy friends and I knew how they were. Even I was shocked to hear what had happened and how they treated my friends, but certain things come to an end, whether we accept it or not.
I can't say I never saw it coming. Being the person outside looking in, it's easy to say that the relationship is doomed. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't tell my friends that the relationship is dysfunctional. They wouldn't believe me and they would try to prove me wrong. This is the tendency of the woman: to be loyal without thinking. We like to avoid "warning signs" for some odd reason. I think that a lot of us have the tendency to be stupid optimists (at times). He'll change, eventually. He's not always going to be this way. Some day he'll start thinking straight. Then we realize he's not ever going to change, that his life is having it's own party and we're not invited. Most of the time, we understand this too late, when we're in the throes of "unconditional love" and nothing is more important than saving the relationship and saving him.
Anyway, to make a long story short, there's nothing more that I want for my friends than to be with the person who loves them in the simplest, most uncomplicated way there is. I know their pain, I know how hard it is. You think that the world is crashing down on you, but when you wake up the next day, the ceiling is still there, the sun is out and everyone is happy except you.
My girls will eventually pick up and move on, but betrayal changes a life. I know it's changing theirs.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Paychecks
I got paid yesterday. I didn't see a dime. Everything went to bills.
My brother, on the other hand, got his first paycheck today. He has more money than I have, he only worked part-time, and I earn way more than he does.
That's depressing.
Adulthood sucks.
I hate bills.
My brother, on the other hand, got his first paycheck today. He has more money than I have, he only worked part-time, and I earn way more than he does.
That's depressing.
Adulthood sucks.
I hate bills.
Worth
Of the many things I may complain about in my life, there is nothing that makes it more worth it than seeing my family happy. A couple of Sundays ago, the four of us were at home at the same time during the day. We were all talking and joking and laughing. It was a good feeling to know that we're together and that we have each other to go home to.