So, I'm on the boat again. It's been 11 days since I've seen land. I went up to have breakfast this morning and saw a haven of food: biscuits and gravy, spam, sausage, pancakes, plantains, apple strudels, bacon, eggs, rice and oatmeal. I had oatmeal and, though I was tempted to grab a biscuit, my taste buds and stomach begged for me not to.
I can't wait to get back home, home to my husband (who has yet to move down to California). We were wed about 2 weeks ago and 2 days later went home on separate planes to different places. So much for being practical, eh? It gets the best of me, but things have to be done. I realize that life is full of endless sacrifice, really. Whether we're aware of it or not, there is always something that we let go of or delay for later in exchange for something else, something supposedly better. This time it's a little more real, you know, the whole sacrifice thing. It's a bit more tangible. I've sacrificed for other people before- my parents, brothers and sister- but it wasn't really a conscious decision, more like a conscientious one. They didn't know, of course; I didn't, either. It wasn't too obvious because I was really doing what was expected. I a still am, I guess. There really isn't anything else to do as the oldest kid in the family except for set an example and making sure you have your shit together so the younger ones can't disregard your warnings and so-called teachings and throw back in your face what a huge fuck-up you are. It's true. It's like your shield, your defense. Well, now it's a sacrifice that two people have agreed upon and are living up to. Isn't that what marriage is about? Sacrificing for each other's sake? Caring a bit more for your partner than for yourself, so much so that you set aside...yourself?
I don't know, really, what's it's supposed to be about. I mean, we went to the seminar and received bucketsful of advice from so many different sources, but I don't know what marriage is about. I've seen too many falter and too many break and too little that have lasted and have been saved. I know that I married this person whom I love, absolutely, without reservation.
Note: I wrote this almost a year ago. I still don't know much about marriage, but I'm enjoying every second of it.
