ARGH

Out of utter lack of better judgement, I chose to wear my turquoise l/s shirt today. Though there is nothing weird about my attire, the color is just too damn bright. I have been walking around work and it seems that everytime I see a mirror, my reflection cringes in disgust. We are in the process of moving and I have not been able to weedle out my cute winter clothes. In all honesty, I haven't even started packing yet, and we're moving this Saturday. I am also in the fat phase where I refuse to wear my nice slacks and cute tops for fear of finding out they fit again. I dropped two sizes this year. I want to continue to think that I am still a size 4 instead of the normal 6. There is no logic in that, I know. I just want to think that I am skinny. I want to drop the weight before I find out that I actually gained it.

We painted the interior of the house last weekend. It was a sight to see- me actually getting off my ass to do something worthwhile. I enjoyed myself, knobby-wobbly knees and all. The whole thing left me exhausted, but more fulfilled. I want to replace the kitchen faucet and the lights. These will be my little projects. There is something about owning a house that makes me enjoy this type of responsibility. I can do whatever I want with it. My dog can piss anywhere he wants in the backyard and he can poo on the grass and I don't have to pick it up. Ok, maybe I will still pick it up, but the point here is I can do whatever I want with the place, even if I do have to repair my own sink and toilet (when needed) and all the other icky stuff I have been able to avoid. I used to be manly and burly. I think I can be that way again. I think.

I ordered 4 books from B&N today. I know I shouldn't have since I still have 3 books left to read, but, I thought, what's a little added pressure? If I'm going to give myself a heart attack, I might as well just pile it on for one whole shot. I don't know if I'll even find the time to read all these books, let alone go to the gym. I keep calculating in my mind how much this house thing is with the carpet and the painting and the replacing and the cleaning. I honestly hate credit cards and I hate owing money to establishments. I know that there are reasons why I had to put a lot of stuff on credit, i.e. no credit = ugly, dingy, old carpet. However, the thought of bills makes me suffocate. Seriously.

I can't seem to stop smoking, though the urge to smoke has waned. I find a reason everyday. The cravings have never existed. Ok, they exist when people pile "things you need to accomplish in life" on my bad back, and I can't talk back or say "no" because I'm supposed to live up to this image that people have created since my birth. So, I just smoke one. I hate it when people think there is something wrong with me when they don't stop to fucking ask if there is something wrong with themselves. Sometimes, I just want to tell them that they don't know the shit I go through. And if I'm a bitch, then there's a reason for it. If I'm supposed to be certain things to certain people, give me the courtesy to handle it in my own terms. I refuse to clean the bathroom floor and fucking smile at the same time.

Sometimes, I wonder, what the point of all of this is.

Ironically, there is no other place I would rather be.

The morning

It's the 5 minutes that fail me. This is the nth time I've woken up late, yesterdayat 630am and today at 7am. Five minutes! That's all I ask. And what do I get? A whopping hour-and-a-half. I don't know why I can't just pick my ass up as soon as the alarm clock goes off. I have to be at work at 6am when I start the new position.

We finally bought the painting supplies last night. What a job this whole thing entails. I've already scheduled the replacement of the carpet for the 29th of October, so this is the only weekend we can paint the interior of the house. We haven't started packing, yet, and, like I've said so many times, we're just gonna put all our shit in boxes. It's the big furniture that's a pain in the butt, especially for me because I can't carry for shit. Twenty-three years old with a bad back. I've also been feeling chest pains, which only occur when I'm under much stress. I think I should lay off the coffee and the cigarettes and see if that will prolong my existence. Go fucking figure.

I asked Francis about going to the gym and he suggested that I start going at least twice a week and spend a good hour there instead of the original plan of going everyday for a mere 30 minutes. Point taken. Now, all I have to do is drag my sorry butt over there.

I am especially frustrated with the fact that I haven't been able to finish Friendship with God, which has been on my reading list for the past year. I know I've mentioned this before, but it's really bugging me that I can't sit down and read anymore, or even actually find the time to.

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday, which reminds me, I have to take my drug test for the new job.

Wish me luck.

I don't do drugs, obviously. I'm just naturally insane.

Mom's vacation

Mom went on vacation for Dad's birthday. None of us have talked about it, but I know that we all miss her. Suprisingly, we've maintained the cleanliness of the house. I have to admit, when Mom is here, we automatically turn into children again, knowing that someone will pick up after us and feed us and hug us when we're sad and be our sounding board. It's a great feeling to know that someone is always there for you. I've resisted the inclination to be dependent. It's a hard process for me to follow. I like doing things on my own, asking for minimal help, learning as I go. Short-cuts are good, like learning from other people's experiences, but nothing sticks as well as going through it yourself.

Anyway, even our dog is depressed. All he does is lay around and pine. He'll walk from one room to another, pause as if he's pondering something, then plop on the floor or the couch with his head gently placed between his paws. He has this sad-dog look on his face and it seems no one is able to cheer him up. He doesn't really run around the house the way he used to and when we carry him, he slumps in our arms as if his bones have softened. The night before Mom left, he had this confused look when he saw the boxes stuffed with things and he kept tapping Mom like he was asking her what was going on. (I know it sounds funny that I interpret my dog's actions this way, but we all talk to him like he's human.) My poor doggie-woggie. I think everyone feels the same way he does.

We know that Mom likes it better where Dad is and even though my parents are only 50, it seems like their really old. They still act like teen-agers in love, but we feel that they should start enjoying life by traveling and being together. They deserve it.

So, we're glad Mom went on vacation. We're glad that they got to spend time together, because they're not very used to being apart.

The view

This is the view from the porch of our tiny house.

Long Beach

There is something about Long Beach in the beginning of Autumn where the fog sets in and the chill of December rises from the sea. I have taken the extra effort to pass through 2nd St. instead of 7th St. because the view is much nicer and is not as depressing as the latter. Here, I find the commercial tourist district, where everything is over-priced but pleasant to the senses. It's all but intimate as I stop for my morning coffee and my two-dollar bagel. My only thoughts are of how time flies and that I will be late for the fourth time this week. I am a little irate by the fact that breakfast cost me $6.00. It's spare change, to be honest, but I find it daunting that this is how far I've come in life. I'm a city person always on the go, no time to sleep, credit cards in tow. My success is measured by the kind of coffee I can afford ($3.50 for a small vanilla latte and $2.00 for a bagel and cream cheese), by the job that I hold, the property I own, the value of my retirement nest. There is no comfort in this knowledge because I've set aside the things I value most. The harder I try to bridge this gap, the more difficult it is for me to slow down.

There is no motivation and I find that the faster I go, the limits are endless. I used to be content with spending time with my closest friends, having dinner over lost conversation. Now, we all watch the time, conscious of the traffic, tired from the mundane day.

I have much to look forward to, in truth. I am quite blessed. I keep reminding myself this.

If I don't, I will end up on a couch talking to a psychiatrist and 10 bottles of medication to keep me from jumping off a bridge.

Therapy

I found out that Francis can't come tomorrow or Friday or this whole weekend.

So, I went shopping.

But I'm still depressed.

Conversations with God

I've had this book for almost a year. It has traveled the world with me; yet, I have finished reading three books, while this has 30 pages left to turn.

What would love do? That is the essential question, God says. From this, all good is brought forth and conflict will not exist. This is what I've learned.

I am in a rut. My family relations are strained. Of course, there is no one left to blame but myself. There is a responsibility in this that is heavy on the heart. I have ceased to voice my opinions and feelings, especially those I know will cause further misunderstanding. There really is nothing left to say.

Honestly, I would rather be run over 3 times than be in this position. Ok, maybe 5, just to be sure.

On my way to work this morning, I saw a sign that read: Choose Love. I stared at it, while waiting for the light to turn green. It wasn't until I read it that I realized God is reminding me that only your family will truly love you. There is no doubt in this. They are with you everywhere you go, hoping for the best for you, praying for your safety.

How do you replace regret with love? How do you forget? How will I reconcile all of this? How will I accept the sad fact that I will never really truly be understood?

I will choose Love. Everyday. Even when it's the hardest thing to do. I don't know how that will work, but the problem has been solved for me.

Now, if only I could lose my mind. Sometimes, I find, when I think less, I stay out of trouble.

Another world

I don't really mean another world or space or poignant plane in time. I moving to another department. I was indirectly reminded by CryoGuy why it is good for me to leave. He just left The Boss' office. He is beginning to get on my nerves.

For the most part, the people in my department are great- easy to work with, polite, courteous, like family.

But I am tired of my job because I have mastered it. It has become a routine. So, it is time for me to move on. Finally, this part of my life is going somewhere.

Change is always good.