ARGH

Out of utter lack of better judgement, I chose to wear my turquoise l/s shirt today. Though there is nothing weird about my attire, the color is just too damn bright. I have been walking around work and it seems that everytime I see a mirror, my reflection cringes in disgust. We are in the process of moving and I have not been able to weedle out my cute winter clothes. In all honesty, I haven't even started packing yet, and we're moving this Saturday. I am also in the fat phase where I refuse to wear my nice slacks and cute tops for fear of finding out they fit again. I dropped two sizes this year. I want to continue to think that I am still a size 4 instead of the normal 6. There is no logic in that, I know. I just want to think that I am skinny. I want to drop the weight before I find out that I actually gained it.

We painted the interior of the house last weekend. It was a sight to see- me actually getting off my ass to do something worthwhile. I enjoyed myself, knobby-wobbly knees and all. The whole thing left me exhausted, but more fulfilled. I want to replace the kitchen faucet and the lights. These will be my little projects. There is something about owning a house that makes me enjoy this type of responsibility. I can do whatever I want with it. My dog can piss anywhere he wants in the backyard and he can poo on the grass and I don't have to pick it up. Ok, maybe I will still pick it up, but the point here is I can do whatever I want with the place, even if I do have to repair my own sink and toilet (when needed) and all the other icky stuff I have been able to avoid. I used to be manly and burly. I think I can be that way again. I think.

I ordered 4 books from B&N today. I know I shouldn't have since I still have 3 books left to read, but, I thought, what's a little added pressure? If I'm going to give myself a heart attack, I might as well just pile it on for one whole shot. I don't know if I'll even find the time to read all these books, let alone go to the gym. I keep calculating in my mind how much this house thing is with the carpet and the painting and the replacing and the cleaning. I honestly hate credit cards and I hate owing money to establishments. I know that there are reasons why I had to put a lot of stuff on credit, i.e. no credit = ugly, dingy, old carpet. However, the thought of bills makes me suffocate. Seriously.

I can't seem to stop smoking, though the urge to smoke has waned. I find a reason everyday. The cravings have never existed. Ok, they exist when people pile "things you need to accomplish in life" on my bad back, and I can't talk back or say "no" because I'm supposed to live up to this image that people have created since my birth. So, I just smoke one. I hate it when people think there is something wrong with me when they don't stop to fucking ask if there is something wrong with themselves. Sometimes, I just want to tell them that they don't know the shit I go through. And if I'm a bitch, then there's a reason for it. If I'm supposed to be certain things to certain people, give me the courtesy to handle it in my own terms. I refuse to clean the bathroom floor and fucking smile at the same time.

Sometimes, I wonder, what the point of all of this is.

Ironically, there is no other place I would rather be.