I am physically and emotionally drained. Something out of "nothing" has become the biggest issue we've had to face, so far.
How big is a lie no matter how insignificant it was about? How often should we apply "past EXperiences?"
Now, it goes without saying that there are certain things that I am more cautious about after being lied to a hundred thousand times. There are certain things I can and cannot take, and maybe it's because I took a whole lot of it from someone else. It may sound unfair to apply past EXperiences with the Keeper (a.k.a. Francis), but it's like a test. I let it happen last time, but I won't let it happen this time, I tell myself. So, I painstakingly spend the rest of the night trying to make my point, trying to keep him in the tiny molehill until he understands why I'm pissed. When I realize that I can't explain myself any further, I walk into my cave and sulk.
There isn't much to this, because he always says, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Though I think my fellow ladies will agree that we're all afraid that if you let the small stuff go, it'll roll up into a boulder and eventually run us over. Neurosis and paranoia at it's finest.
I'm a little too afraid, I know, of the things I can't see; fearful of what can be, should be, and might not be. I'm afraid of the dark and of feelings I'm not familiar with. I'm afraid that if I hope too much, it will change me and break me into a thousand pieces. I'm afraid that if I hold on too tight, I will get carpel tunnel syndrome. That if I laugh too much, I'll release gas at the most inopportune times. And I'm afraid if I screw this one up, I may lose my mind and huge chunks of my heart.
So, I've decided to close the itty-bitty baggage I carry with me, the one with the EXperiences in it. I remember that this is different, that history does not always repeat itself. A man with a good heart does exist and is better than those farirytale Brad Pitt look-alikes [that I wanted to jump, at one point in time].
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