There’s no such thing as time on an airplane. You board, you eat, you sleep, and you arrive at your destination. All the time in between that is like a black hole. It’s spent on watching the “premiere” movie/s or trying to find the best position to sleep. Crap. I’m sleepy right now, but I can’t seem to get comfortable…as if it were that possible on a freaking airplane! Minus the torment, I keep going through all the possible scenarios of what the hell it’s going to be like from the moment I wait to meet my parents (and SDJ, of course). Out of all my friends, he was the only one who offered to greet me when I arrive. Can it get any longer than this? My eyeballs hurt and I wish I had a cigarette…erase that…I do have a cig, I just wish that I could smoke it.
Time to test the USB drive.
Monday, December 29, 2003
Monday, December 22, 2003
The raise
Fuck! Today was good…erase that…today was great!!! I got a raise. Woohoo!!! But I also got gastritis…damn it. I have to go to work tomorrow. There’s no way for me to be absent. I hope I have enough strength to go to the gym…
There are moments when I am completely sane…and, as if in a trance, my brain starts to wander and wonder and wander. Shit! The inevitable cycle that is me. I am such a freak sometimes. I like it when it’s quiet, but when it gets too quiet, I hate it. I start thinking of something for me to worry about. Then, I start talking about it. After that, I analyze it. When my brain and my heart are finally tired, I forget what I was worrying about in the first place. I think that I’m built this way- just enough patience to endure boredom, but not enough faith to be at peace. Sometimes, I think that it worries me more when nothing is wrong, as if something bad is waiting to happen. I think that I think too much. You think? Me thinks. Crap! Hmmm…..plus, I don’t know…I just don’t. I wish I did, though.
Time for bed.
There are moments when I am completely sane…and, as if in a trance, my brain starts to wander and wonder and wander. Shit! The inevitable cycle that is me. I am such a freak sometimes. I like it when it’s quiet, but when it gets too quiet, I hate it. I start thinking of something for me to worry about. Then, I start talking about it. After that, I analyze it. When my brain and my heart are finally tired, I forget what I was worrying about in the first place. I think that I’m built this way- just enough patience to endure boredom, but not enough faith to be at peace. Sometimes, I think that it worries me more when nothing is wrong, as if something bad is waiting to happen. I think that I think too much. You think? Me thinks. Crap! Hmmm…..plus, I don’t know…I just don’t. I wish I did, though.
Time for bed.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Fifth wheel
Hmmm…I was the fifth wheel tonight, but that’s okay. I was the photographer too…which was cool.
Returned the watch today…it was kind of depressing because it was meant for him. Since I have no plans to see him, then it's better this way. Hehehe.
Hmmm…time to go to sleep.
Can it get any better than this?
Returned the watch today…it was kind of depressing because it was meant for him. Since I have no plans to see him, then it's better this way. Hehehe.
Hmmm…time to go to sleep.
Can it get any better than this?
Thursday, December 11, 2003
The new laptop
Tonight, I decide to study at Starbuck’s again and try out my new laptop. So far, I’m enjoying it. I love everything accommodating and convenient.
I remember that I was thinking about him in October of 1999. I was writing about it the same way I’m writing about it now. It’s been four years. This is one of the biggest learning experiences of my life. I still feel the fucking pangs of jealousy and loss. The difference now is that I know how to perceive it in a way that I don’t go insane. I’m more aware of my self-worth now, and less aware of his worth, in fact. I don’t know if it’s inversely proportional. Though, I do believe that I wouldn’t die without him and there is still a bright tomorrow for me. I honestly believe that I would make more of myself if he weren’t a part of my life. Yet, like a moth to a flame, I regurgitate back and forth, as if I were in limbo. I believe this is eternal suffering: the capacity of holding the truth in your own hands and deciding to stick it up your ass and fart it out as needed. The lady that gave us our angel reading reminded me that before we take human form, we choose our situations and the people we live our lives with. Fuck that! Mental note: what the hell were you thinking??? No dealings with this soul in the next lifetime, please. I was probably a bad ass in the last lifetime and I’m punishing myself now. Go fucking figure!!! I’m still a bad ass now, though, a lot tamer, I think. More self-righteous than I planned is the best way to describe it.
Smoke time. ..
Half a cigarette (and a broken one) later, I find I have no enlightening thoughts. Isn’t that what cigarette breaks are for? LOL. Too many pauses, I think. Now, I have to pee, but I can’t because that would mean leaving the laptop. This is a minor setback, I think. I think I think too much…you think? There goes my sanity again.
Time to go home. I’m tired and I have to pee. Time for Mariah in the car. Time to sleep. Tomorrow is Friday and I don’t know if I’ll be able to start my paper in time for Tuesday.
I remember that I was thinking about him in October of 1999. I was writing about it the same way I’m writing about it now. It’s been four years. This is one of the biggest learning experiences of my life. I still feel the fucking pangs of jealousy and loss. The difference now is that I know how to perceive it in a way that I don’t go insane. I’m more aware of my self-worth now, and less aware of his worth, in fact. I don’t know if it’s inversely proportional. Though, I do believe that I wouldn’t die without him and there is still a bright tomorrow for me. I honestly believe that I would make more of myself if he weren’t a part of my life. Yet, like a moth to a flame, I regurgitate back and forth, as if I were in limbo. I believe this is eternal suffering: the capacity of holding the truth in your own hands and deciding to stick it up your ass and fart it out as needed. The lady that gave us our angel reading reminded me that before we take human form, we choose our situations and the people we live our lives with. Fuck that! Mental note: what the hell were you thinking??? No dealings with this soul in the next lifetime, please. I was probably a bad ass in the last lifetime and I’m punishing myself now. Go fucking figure!!! I’m still a bad ass now, though, a lot tamer, I think. More self-righteous than I planned is the best way to describe it.
Smoke time. ..
Half a cigarette (and a broken one) later, I find I have no enlightening thoughts. Isn’t that what cigarette breaks are for? LOL. Too many pauses, I think. Now, I have to pee, but I can’t because that would mean leaving the laptop. This is a minor setback, I think. I think I think too much…you think? There goes my sanity again.
Time to go home. I’m tired and I have to pee. Time for Mariah in the car. Time to sleep. Tomorrow is Friday and I don’t know if I’ll be able to start my paper in time for Tuesday.