The new laptop

Tonight, I decide to study at Starbuck’s again and try out my new laptop. So far, I’m enjoying it. I love everything accommodating and convenient.

I remember that I was thinking about him in October of 1999. I was writing about it the same way I’m writing about it now. It’s been four years. This is one of the biggest learning experiences of my life. I still feel the fucking pangs of jealousy and loss. The difference now is that I know how to perceive it in a way that I don’t go insane. I’m more aware of my self-worth now, and less aware of his worth, in fact. I don’t know if it’s inversely proportional. Though, I do believe that I wouldn’t die without him and there is still a bright tomorrow for me. I honestly believe that I would make more of myself if he weren’t a part of my life. Yet, like a moth to a flame, I regurgitate back and forth, as if I were in limbo. I believe this is eternal suffering: the capacity of holding the truth in your own hands and deciding to stick it up your ass and fart it out as needed. The lady that gave us our angel reading reminded me that before we take human form, we choose our situations and the people we live our lives with. Fuck that! Mental note: what the hell were you thinking??? No dealings with this soul in the next lifetime, please. I was probably a bad ass in the last lifetime and I’m punishing myself now. Go fucking figure!!! I’m still a bad ass now, though, a lot tamer, I think. More self-righteous than I planned is the best way to describe it.

Smoke time. ..

Half a cigarette (and a broken one) later, I find I have no enlightening thoughts. Isn’t that what cigarette breaks are for? LOL. Too many pauses, I think. Now, I have to pee, but I can’t because that would mean leaving the laptop. This is a minor setback, I think. I think I think too much…you think? There goes my sanity again.

Time to go home. I’m tired and I have to pee. Time for Mariah in the car. Time to sleep. Tomorrow is Friday and I don’t know if I’ll be able to start my paper in time for Tuesday.