My job and everything else that goes with it

The past week has been quite eventful, a few changes here and there. I realized that, although I am forever grateful, I need God in the good times as much as in the not-so-good. I never feel as if I'm deserving of much because my faults exceed my achievements. There is so much to comprehend and not enough time to get a grip. The greatest things in my life are right in front of me and all I can do is stand in awe. Ironically, I have learned that our worth is directly proportional to what we feel we deserve. When you believe that you deserve a good job, you get your shit together and you work for it. I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get it together. The only problem is waking up...on time.

I am an expert at juggling, dropping the balls here and there, with some kind of balance. Work is work, I live with my family, and my social life consists of weekday dinners and daily conversations with Francis. At the end of the day, I am tired. As I usually find my solace in sleep, hauling my ass out of bed every morning has become a difficult task.

Although I consider myself somewhat ballsy, I find it hard to "request" for certain things I know I should be getting, such as the transition in my job. When discussions arise with my boss, for example, I usually just sit there and smile and nod my head. My common reply is "Ok, thank you." When I'm requested to do extra work, i.e. fill in at corporate, though I have work from here to Timbuktu, I say, "So as long as the boss says it's fine, I will be there." I have the tendency to go beyond expectations when I have to run around trying to get all the work done. (The consolation for all of this, and well-deserved, I believe, is being able to tell Francis about all of this every day.)

So, today (6/17/04) I am back at corporate, lending a hand. Boss2 said that I didn't have to go if I didn't want to, but I didn't want to say "no." When people ask for your help, you give it to them. If they didn't really need it, they would not have asked in the first place.

It is a good feeling when people express their appreciation for your work and effort.

It is a GREAT feeling when you see this appreciation in your paycheck.

All I have right now is a good feeling, which I can live with for the time being. Ick. And they said I was a pushover.

Things I don't give a crap about

Every time someone talks about marriage, I gag. Literally. I feel acid accumulate in my tummy, working its way up my esophagus. I am repulsed by the thought. Mom asked me the other night where I wanted to get married- the Philippines or here. What the? Does it look like I have really put much thought into it? Relationships, I can handle, no matter how tedious. Marriage is a whole other story. It's hard enough to deal with my own life, let alone tolerate someone else's. There isn't much room to move, to plan, to execute, when other people are trying to plan your life for you.

LH has a ring on hold.

FH knows where she wants to get married, what her motif will be, and where the reception will be. All she has to do is choose the lucky guy.

Qball is already planning hers. Ack.

My cousin is having his in September. Now, I have to buy a dress. Gah.

I went to the bank this evening and Mom calls calls me as soon as I park the car, "We need to talk." Oh shit. Here we go. It's about buying a house. Blah blah blah. Nod, nod, nod. The appointment will be set tomorrow.

What's the point in answering a question when you'll be emtionally tortured into submission anyway?

I hate being responsible; people hold you up to it for the rest of your life.

I want to go somewhere, very, very, very far away.

I HATE CUPID he is a TRAITOR

It’s been three days since he left. I miss him more than I thought I could, quite a bit more than I expected. And we were together only three days. Maybe it’s safe to say that all the waiting paid off, that all the anxiety and the last-minute cold feet were pointless. Yet, I am left speechless. My brain has failed to comprehend how my emotions have betrayed the rest of me. For the first time, there is only confession- where the truth has exposed the ins-and-outs, the dents-and-creases of everything I have guarded.

I am angry at myself, because this is not me, or so I thought. I’m mad because there’s no where left to hide. The only place I want to run is where he stands, so I may reach for his hand when I please, without thinking, because I know it will always be there. I’m mad because I didn’t plan this, that every step taken mocked my defenses. That when he speaks, I only listen with no urge for retaliation. That benches are now special places and beaches are nicer, no matter what the weather. That walking is no longer a burden, because I have him to lean on when my legs are tired. That crowds aren’t scary when I know where to find him. That I can say anything and he will laugh, even a little. That no matter how tired we are, he will smile and I will feel just fine. That I no longer care what people say when they ask how long till he comes back, or what do you plan for the future. That I’m not afraid even if I’m not sure; that tomorrow is far away, and every moment is a blessing. That I held him close and kissed him goodnight and hugged him when circumstance permitted. That he is on my mind when I wake, when I walk through the halls, when I drive home, when I eat, when I watch TV, when I sleep. That the only regret is seeing his back as I let him walk away.

I don't require the world to prove his worth, when all I need is him. Tomorrow will come and go, but I will put no quantity on the time spent, the conversations repeated, the waiting endured. I'm unsure and less fearful, more hopeful than most. And if the time comes when there is nothing left to hold on to (hopefully, prayers will prevent this), I will pray that he stumbles upon someone who will care about him as much as I do, and who will take care of him the way I would have.

And I will have it no other way than this.

(Sorry, Jacs, you must be gagging by now. IR, ick, I know. Fucking Cupid!)

Ahem

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Day Two

I was hungry, but didn't eat. I watched a comedy, but didn't laugh. I moped all day, from the moment his hands slipped from mine, as I watched him walk away. There are so many things left unsaid, and no room left for pretending.

There are no regrets.

And, from now on, I miss him.