I HATE CUPID he is a TRAITOR

It’s been three days since he left. I miss him more than I thought I could, quite a bit more than I expected. And we were together only three days. Maybe it’s safe to say that all the waiting paid off, that all the anxiety and the last-minute cold feet were pointless. Yet, I am left speechless. My brain has failed to comprehend how my emotions have betrayed the rest of me. For the first time, there is only confession- where the truth has exposed the ins-and-outs, the dents-and-creases of everything I have guarded.

I am angry at myself, because this is not me, or so I thought. I’m mad because there’s no where left to hide. The only place I want to run is where he stands, so I may reach for his hand when I please, without thinking, because I know it will always be there. I’m mad because I didn’t plan this, that every step taken mocked my defenses. That when he speaks, I only listen with no urge for retaliation. That benches are now special places and beaches are nicer, no matter what the weather. That walking is no longer a burden, because I have him to lean on when my legs are tired. That crowds aren’t scary when I know where to find him. That I can say anything and he will laugh, even a little. That no matter how tired we are, he will smile and I will feel just fine. That I no longer care what people say when they ask how long till he comes back, or what do you plan for the future. That I’m not afraid even if I’m not sure; that tomorrow is far away, and every moment is a blessing. That I held him close and kissed him goodnight and hugged him when circumstance permitted. That he is on my mind when I wake, when I walk through the halls, when I drive home, when I eat, when I watch TV, when I sleep. That the only regret is seeing his back as I let him walk away.

I don't require the world to prove his worth, when all I need is him. Tomorrow will come and go, but I will put no quantity on the time spent, the conversations repeated, the waiting endured. I'm unsure and less fearful, more hopeful than most. And if the time comes when there is nothing left to hold on to (hopefully, prayers will prevent this), I will pray that he stumbles upon someone who will care about him as much as I do, and who will take care of him the way I would have.

And I will have it no other way than this.

(Sorry, Jacs, you must be gagging by now. IR, ick, I know. Fucking Cupid!)