Closer

I just saw Closer. I don't recommend it to those tempted to go back to the past, obsessed with inflicting self-torture. The movie was about betrayal. It's not the greatest thing on earth. To watch something you've been through. I sat there and I was sad. Sad about my own past and how it was a hard lesson to learn. I sat there and saw the characters ruin each others lives. It was like watching my own movie. Taped many years ago. Feelings caught in that span of time. It's insane how people go back to the traitor to justify their own needs. No matter how hard and how sordid, they lay there and lie with that person and pretend that everything is okay.

I wasn't surprised how the movie ended. Anna goes back to her husband. Alice leaves Dan. Dan is regretful. Larry is triumphant. How do you live like that? How do you go on? What makes you forgive even though you will never forget?

I think of everything I've gone through, everything my friends are going through. I think of all the things I tell them. I say, "Don't be like me. I was stupid. Don't be stupid. Be honest. Be who you are. Don't let someone dictate the way you feel and the way you act. Do not justify your lie with a half-truth." As I say these hurtful things, what they don't realize is that I know what I'm talking about. I have to relive my own lie to help them. I allow myself to suffer with them. I want to protect those I love because betrayal is the most imcomprehensible, hurtful thing anyone can ever experience. It kills the spirit. Some people make it and are reborn somehow. Some people die with it, never able to live whole again.

The day I saw the light, I sat in the church. I prayed with all my might. I fought back the tears. I told myself that it was over and I have too much love for myself to let it continue. The only battle I had was with me. Could I forgive myself for being who I wasn't? Could I forgive myself for trusting someone with my vulnerability? Could I go on knowing that it was no one's fault but mine?

I could and I did. I left that church. I was me again. I forgave everyone, especially myself. I was happy and, for the first time in a very long time, I love being in my own skin. I know that there are reasons for everything, for every little thing, for every big thing, for the things you think will ruin your life. It didn't though. I'm not ruined. I'm not sad or regretful or bitter. I walked away, unharmed, a little smarter. I look back only because I my friends ask me to help them. "Give me the truth," they say. And I do. I give them every part of me, every segment lived and pained. I tell them they don't have to worry because they will walk away from it eventually. They will look back sometimes only to remind themselves that there is no greater happiness than now. They will get over it. We all do.

I should know.