Friday, February 27, 2004
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Sober......
Sober by Jennifer Paige
Girl meets boy, girl goes crazy
Boy looks away, she gets her heart broken
No words are spoken
Boy comes back and acts
As if everything is cool
Soon she's got him back on a pedestal
She only sees what she wants to see
Love is blind, love is so misleading
I see the light, oh what a light
And I am sober
All that you served to me
No longer will I drink it in
I took the time to think it over
I see the you that I never knew
Now it's finally sinking in
I am sober
Girl wakes up and smells the coffee one day
Realizes she's on her own again
All alone again
Boy takes every opportunity
To play on every insecurity
Get her back on track
She's in a daze, back in the fire
But will she cave into her old desires
I WANT TO TRAIN HARD TO BE ABLE TO WALL CLIMB!!! (THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SONG...) BEING SOBER, THOUGH, IS GREAT!
Girl meets boy, girl goes crazy
Boy looks away, she gets her heart broken
No words are spoken
Boy comes back and acts
As if everything is cool
Soon she's got him back on a pedestal
She only sees what she wants to see
Love is blind, love is so misleading
I see the light, oh what a light
And I am sober
All that you served to me
No longer will I drink it in
I took the time to think it over
I see the you that I never knew
Now it's finally sinking in
I am sober
Girl wakes up and smells the coffee one day
Realizes she's on her own again
All alone again
Boy takes every opportunity
To play on every insecurity
Get her back on track
She's in a daze, back in the fire
But will she cave into her old desires
I WANT TO TRAIN HARD TO BE ABLE TO WALL CLIMB!!! (THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SONG...) BEING SOBER, THOUGH, IS GREAT!
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
The best friend syndrome
Ok, so I went to the gym twice this week, which is good. Why didn’t I think of using shopping as motivation before. I’ve always felt that everything was impossible. That I couldn’t save, that I couldn’t make time, that I couldn’t do the things that I wanted to do. There was always some kind of excuse for something. My outlook has changed completely and I am different now.
Random thoughts
My take on:
FH and MN
They both need to grow. Better done when apart. Maybe someday their paths might cross.
Being single
Always a blessing.
The grocery strike
This is really selfish of me, but I want that thing to be done and over with. I need to buy food for my family and it’s a pain in the ass to shop at Ralph’s. I don’t support their issue nor am I against it. The only reason I don’t cross the picket line is that they always have something to say. I’ve always believed that when groups of people get together to fight for a cause, then it is of much concern to them, it is close to their hearts. Be it right or wrong, I don’t know what it feels like to be in their place and experience the same hardship. And I pray that I never will. However, I figure it’ll be easier for them if I shop somewhere else.
Sometimes:
I wonder if the next guy I meet is the one. When I walk into the grocery store in my biker shorts and large t-shirt, I wonder if I’ll meet him in the frozen food section. Will he be the barista who mixes up my order and forgets that I want non-fat milk? Or is he a neighbor? I don’t see me being with someone who is already in my life. But since my awakening from that looooong sleep, everything seems possible. Though there isn’t anyone I would ever consider someone possible, I can’t say that it won’t happen for sure. I have acquired the bitter taste of eating my words, so best to keep my conclusions to myself.
I was also thinking about the fact that I have so many guy buddies and none of them are prospects. I, too, am no prospect to any of them. This is weird because there is nothing wrong, at all, with my guy buds. And they all say that whoever wins my heart is going to be very lucky. They know this, I have yet to confirm this, but why haven’t they acted on it. Have I turned into the eternal best friend? Is that what I am doomed to be? Forever?
Time to rest…
Random thoughts
My take on:
FH and MN
They both need to grow. Better done when apart. Maybe someday their paths might cross.
Being single
Always a blessing.
The grocery strike
This is really selfish of me, but I want that thing to be done and over with. I need to buy food for my family and it’s a pain in the ass to shop at Ralph’s. I don’t support their issue nor am I against it. The only reason I don’t cross the picket line is that they always have something to say. I’ve always believed that when groups of people get together to fight for a cause, then it is of much concern to them, it is close to their hearts. Be it right or wrong, I don’t know what it feels like to be in their place and experience the same hardship. And I pray that I never will. However, I figure it’ll be easier for them if I shop somewhere else.
Sometimes:
I wonder if the next guy I meet is the one. When I walk into the grocery store in my biker shorts and large t-shirt, I wonder if I’ll meet him in the frozen food section. Will he be the barista who mixes up my order and forgets that I want non-fat milk? Or is he a neighbor? I don’t see me being with someone who is already in my life. But since my awakening from that looooong sleep, everything seems possible. Though there isn’t anyone I would ever consider someone possible, I can’t say that it won’t happen for sure. I have acquired the bitter taste of eating my words, so best to keep my conclusions to myself.
I was also thinking about the fact that I have so many guy buddies and none of them are prospects. I, too, am no prospect to any of them. This is weird because there is nothing wrong, at all, with my guy buds. And they all say that whoever wins my heart is going to be very lucky. They know this, I have yet to confirm this, but why haven’t they acted on it. Have I turned into the eternal best friend? Is that what I am doomed to be? Forever?
Time to rest…
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Reunion
I was late again on Friday. I have this strong affinity to my bed. It’s like someone I miss all the time. I think it’s because I don’t spend enough time in it.
I actually woke up because of my alarm, though, at the time that it beeped, I didn’t know what the hell it was. So, I got up from my bed to look for the freakin’ sound. Lo’ and behold, it was the damn alarm. It actually works. After turning it off, I turned around and saw my unmade bed. It was very inviting indeed. I jumped back in and didn’t wake up till 7 a.m. (when Jeff called). Damn it.
That same day, we went to Marj’s house. There was an impromptu reunion among the STC folks. No one has changed. All grown up, yet still the same. It felt kind of weird that we were actually talking about pap smears and living in with boy friends and work. Things they would never have thought of when we were in high school. Things that FH and I thought of when we were in high school. Good thing everyone else caught up. LOL.
It’s another Sunday. I’m a late sleeper on Sunday. I should go and wash the dishes now.
I actually woke up because of my alarm, though, at the time that it beeped, I didn’t know what the hell it was. So, I got up from my bed to look for the freakin’ sound. Lo’ and behold, it was the damn alarm. It actually works. After turning it off, I turned around and saw my unmade bed. It was very inviting indeed. I jumped back in and didn’t wake up till 7 a.m. (when Jeff called). Damn it.
That same day, we went to Marj’s house. There was an impromptu reunion among the STC folks. No one has changed. All grown up, yet still the same. It felt kind of weird that we were actually talking about pap smears and living in with boy friends and work. Things they would never have thought of when we were in high school. Things that FH and I thought of when we were in high school. Good thing everyone else caught up. LOL.
It’s another Sunday. I’m a late sleeper on Sunday. I should go and wash the dishes now.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
And another one...(junior year in college...very...umm...just very)...
Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it’s over
Just hear this and then I’ll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you’ll ever know
This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can’t we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it’s just because I didn’t know you at all
Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry ’cause I know that in time
I’ll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye
Did you say ’no, this can’t happen to me,’
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn’t know him at all
You didn’t know him at all, oh, you didn’t know
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it’s over... it’s over
ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. THIS REMINDS OF THE MORNINGS I WOULD GET READY FOR SCHOOL, AS THE DAYLIGHT PEAKED THROUGH MY DUSTY CURTAINS. I WOULD HUM THE SONG WHILE I WALKED TO THE JEEPNEY STOP AT THE END OF MY STREET (WHICH INTERSECTED BANAWE). THEN I'D RIDE THE FX TO SCHOOL WITH LSS (LAST SONG SYNDROME). I WISH I WERE 18 AGAIN...ANY AGE THAT HAD THE SUFFIX "TEEN" IN IT. LOL.
The connection that CB and LL have to this song is ironic. AGO had me listen to this song because it was supposedly my theme song for LL. On the other hand, CB and I connected because he was surprised I knew the artist and the song when we heard it on the soundtrack of "Vanilla Sky." Hmmm...(lost in thought)
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it’s over
Just hear this and then I’ll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you’ll ever know
This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can’t we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it’s just because I didn’t know you at all
Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry ’cause I know that in time
I’ll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye
Did you say ’no, this can’t happen to me,’
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn’t know him at all
You didn’t know him at all, oh, you didn’t know
Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it’s over... it’s over
ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. THIS REMINDS OF THE MORNINGS I WOULD GET READY FOR SCHOOL, AS THE DAYLIGHT PEAKED THROUGH MY DUSTY CURTAINS. I WOULD HUM THE SONG WHILE I WALKED TO THE JEEPNEY STOP AT THE END OF MY STREET (WHICH INTERSECTED BANAWE). THEN I'D RIDE THE FX TO SCHOOL WITH LSS (LAST SONG SYNDROME). I WISH I WERE 18 AGAIN...ANY AGE THAT HAD THE SUFFIX "TEEN" IN IT. LOL.
The connection that CB and LL have to this song is ironic. AGO had me listen to this song because it was supposedly my theme song for LL. On the other hand, CB and I connected because he was surprised I knew the artist and the song when we heard it on the soundtrack of "Vanilla Sky." Hmmm...(lost in thought)
Song of the Day (well, the past two days, to be exact...)...
Warning Sign by Cold Play
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I’m tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
Monday, February 16, 2004
End of the rope
I am done…
Absolutely done, and all that is left is me. And this is good. Let me run down the list to refresh my memory:
Fb – done. Too dramatic. He is the fallback…it is never fair to make someone your fallback…because you think he’s close to perfect, but you know you can never be with him because you don't truly love him. I absolutely cannot stomach the possible experience.
LL – done. Stretched too thin…everything…I pray that I have the sense to remind myself never to love anyone the way I “loved” him; to the point of self-destruction. I can never bear to feel pity for myself ever again. It was a good 10 years and, boy, have I learned my lesson. Face what is in front of you, and do not, I repeat, do not create another world in your own mind. This will make you crazy.
Anime – done. Too late…too fucking late.
Tisoy – done. It was over the moment I wrote that letter…it was over the moment I decided to visit LL at the hospital…it was over the moment I didn’t admit to myself that I was lonely. This one, I will always love, just not in that way.
CB – done…ah…yeah, this one is done too. No more midnight, daytime, mid-afternoon, on-my-way-home daydreaming. Today I spoke to Lester, and the signs were not so good. And I will never put myself out there again. And I will choose the friends I call out to. And I will choose the ones that I will keep secrets from. And I will stop manipulating the situation. And I will stop hoping for something so unreachable that my arm could fall off from constant reaching.
This is who will come to me…
A man who is real
Who is not embarrassed to make me laugh
Who is comfortable in his own skin
But is also someone comfortable enough to admit his insecurities
A man who is great to his family
A man who is great to his mother
A man who knows what “no” means when I say it
A man who knows what “no” doesn’t mean when I say it
A man who will talk to me about anything, about God, about love, about sports, about cars, about people, about leg hair, about statues and mountains, about tables and chairs and bananas and death
A man who will listen when I rant, and console me when I cry
A man who will be patient when I whine and who will hug me when I open my arms to him
A man who is smart, who knows how to cross the street, who knows how to kick ass, who knows when to back down, who knows what it feels like to fail, to fool around, to pretend that he’s someone else
A man that is not perfect, but perfect for me
Bow.
Absolutely done, and all that is left is me. And this is good. Let me run down the list to refresh my memory:
Fb – done. Too dramatic. He is the fallback…it is never fair to make someone your fallback…because you think he’s close to perfect, but you know you can never be with him because you don't truly love him. I absolutely cannot stomach the possible experience.
LL – done. Stretched too thin…everything…I pray that I have the sense to remind myself never to love anyone the way I “loved” him; to the point of self-destruction. I can never bear to feel pity for myself ever again. It was a good 10 years and, boy, have I learned my lesson. Face what is in front of you, and do not, I repeat, do not create another world in your own mind. This will make you crazy.
Anime – done. Too late…too fucking late.
Tisoy – done. It was over the moment I wrote that letter…it was over the moment I decided to visit LL at the hospital…it was over the moment I didn’t admit to myself that I was lonely. This one, I will always love, just not in that way.
CB – done…ah…yeah, this one is done too. No more midnight, daytime, mid-afternoon, on-my-way-home daydreaming. Today I spoke to Lester, and the signs were not so good. And I will never put myself out there again. And I will choose the friends I call out to. And I will choose the ones that I will keep secrets from. And I will stop manipulating the situation. And I will stop hoping for something so unreachable that my arm could fall off from constant reaching.
This is who will come to me…
A man who is real
Who is not embarrassed to make me laugh
Who is comfortable in his own skin
But is also someone comfortable enough to admit his insecurities
A man who is great to his family
A man who is great to his mother
A man who knows what “no” means when I say it
A man who knows what “no” doesn’t mean when I say it
A man who will talk to me about anything, about God, about love, about sports, about cars, about people, about leg hair, about statues and mountains, about tables and chairs and bananas and death
A man who will listen when I rant, and console me when I cry
A man who will be patient when I whine and who will hug me when I open my arms to him
A man who is smart, who knows how to cross the street, who knows how to kick ass, who knows when to back down, who knows what it feels like to fail, to fool around, to pretend that he’s someone else
A man that is not perfect, but perfect for me
Bow.
Monday, December 29, 2003
On the plane
There’s no such thing as time on an airplane. You board, you eat, you sleep, and you arrive at your destination. All the time in between that is like a black hole. It’s spent on watching the “premiere” movie/s or trying to find the best position to sleep. Crap. I’m sleepy right now, but I can’t seem to get comfortable…as if it were that possible on a freaking airplane! Minus the torment, I keep going through all the possible scenarios of what the hell it’s going to be like from the moment I wait to meet my parents (and SDJ, of course). Out of all my friends, he was the only one who offered to greet me when I arrive. Can it get any longer than this? My eyeballs hurt and I wish I had a cigarette…erase that…I do have a cig, I just wish that I could smoke it.
Time to test the USB drive.
Time to test the USB drive.
Monday, December 22, 2003
The raise
Fuck! Today was good…erase that…today was great!!! I got a raise. Woohoo!!! But I also got gastritis…damn it. I have to go to work tomorrow. There’s no way for me to be absent. I hope I have enough strength to go to the gym…
There are moments when I am completely sane…and, as if in a trance, my brain starts to wander and wonder and wander. Shit! The inevitable cycle that is me. I am such a freak sometimes. I like it when it’s quiet, but when it gets too quiet, I hate it. I start thinking of something for me to worry about. Then, I start talking about it. After that, I analyze it. When my brain and my heart are finally tired, I forget what I was worrying about in the first place. I think that I’m built this way- just enough patience to endure boredom, but not enough faith to be at peace. Sometimes, I think that it worries me more when nothing is wrong, as if something bad is waiting to happen. I think that I think too much. You think? Me thinks. Crap! Hmmm…..plus, I don’t know…I just don’t. I wish I did, though.
Time for bed.
There are moments when I am completely sane…and, as if in a trance, my brain starts to wander and wonder and wander. Shit! The inevitable cycle that is me. I am such a freak sometimes. I like it when it’s quiet, but when it gets too quiet, I hate it. I start thinking of something for me to worry about. Then, I start talking about it. After that, I analyze it. When my brain and my heart are finally tired, I forget what I was worrying about in the first place. I think that I’m built this way- just enough patience to endure boredom, but not enough faith to be at peace. Sometimes, I think that it worries me more when nothing is wrong, as if something bad is waiting to happen. I think that I think too much. You think? Me thinks. Crap! Hmmm…..plus, I don’t know…I just don’t. I wish I did, though.
Time for bed.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Fifth wheel
Hmmm…I was the fifth wheel tonight, but that’s okay. I was the photographer too…which was cool.
Returned the watch today…it was kind of depressing because it was meant for him. Since I have no plans to see him, then it's better this way. Hehehe.
Hmmm…time to go to sleep.
Can it get any better than this?
Returned the watch today…it was kind of depressing because it was meant for him. Since I have no plans to see him, then it's better this way. Hehehe.
Hmmm…time to go to sleep.
Can it get any better than this?
Thursday, December 11, 2003
The new laptop
Tonight, I decide to study at Starbuck’s again and try out my new laptop. So far, I’m enjoying it. I love everything accommodating and convenient.
I remember that I was thinking about him in October of 1999. I was writing about it the same way I’m writing about it now. It’s been four years. This is one of the biggest learning experiences of my life. I still feel the fucking pangs of jealousy and loss. The difference now is that I know how to perceive it in a way that I don’t go insane. I’m more aware of my self-worth now, and less aware of his worth, in fact. I don’t know if it’s inversely proportional. Though, I do believe that I wouldn’t die without him and there is still a bright tomorrow for me. I honestly believe that I would make more of myself if he weren’t a part of my life. Yet, like a moth to a flame, I regurgitate back and forth, as if I were in limbo. I believe this is eternal suffering: the capacity of holding the truth in your own hands and deciding to stick it up your ass and fart it out as needed. The lady that gave us our angel reading reminded me that before we take human form, we choose our situations and the people we live our lives with. Fuck that! Mental note: what the hell were you thinking??? No dealings with this soul in the next lifetime, please. I was probably a bad ass in the last lifetime and I’m punishing myself now. Go fucking figure!!! I’m still a bad ass now, though, a lot tamer, I think. More self-righteous than I planned is the best way to describe it.
Smoke time. ..
Half a cigarette (and a broken one) later, I find I have no enlightening thoughts. Isn’t that what cigarette breaks are for? LOL. Too many pauses, I think. Now, I have to pee, but I can’t because that would mean leaving the laptop. This is a minor setback, I think. I think I think too much…you think? There goes my sanity again.
Time to go home. I’m tired and I have to pee. Time for Mariah in the car. Time to sleep. Tomorrow is Friday and I don’t know if I’ll be able to start my paper in time for Tuesday.
I remember that I was thinking about him in October of 1999. I was writing about it the same way I’m writing about it now. It’s been four years. This is one of the biggest learning experiences of my life. I still feel the fucking pangs of jealousy and loss. The difference now is that I know how to perceive it in a way that I don’t go insane. I’m more aware of my self-worth now, and less aware of his worth, in fact. I don’t know if it’s inversely proportional. Though, I do believe that I wouldn’t die without him and there is still a bright tomorrow for me. I honestly believe that I would make more of myself if he weren’t a part of my life. Yet, like a moth to a flame, I regurgitate back and forth, as if I were in limbo. I believe this is eternal suffering: the capacity of holding the truth in your own hands and deciding to stick it up your ass and fart it out as needed. The lady that gave us our angel reading reminded me that before we take human form, we choose our situations and the people we live our lives with. Fuck that! Mental note: what the hell were you thinking??? No dealings with this soul in the next lifetime, please. I was probably a bad ass in the last lifetime and I’m punishing myself now. Go fucking figure!!! I’m still a bad ass now, though, a lot tamer, I think. More self-righteous than I planned is the best way to describe it.
Smoke time. ..
Half a cigarette (and a broken one) later, I find I have no enlightening thoughts. Isn’t that what cigarette breaks are for? LOL. Too many pauses, I think. Now, I have to pee, but I can’t because that would mean leaving the laptop. This is a minor setback, I think. I think I think too much…you think? There goes my sanity again.
Time to go home. I’m tired and I have to pee. Time for Mariah in the car. Time to sleep. Tomorrow is Friday and I don’t know if I’ll be able to start my paper in time for Tuesday.