So, I finally got it over with. I ended up chatting with the ex the other day. My friends hope that this means the end of those stupid dreams- dreams that depict us yelling at each other. I don't know why we'd fight when, supposedly, there's nothing left to fight about. Anyway, Ced told me that, in order to get on with it, I'd have to chat with him and close the book somehow. I don't know why it's still open. I guess that some things in the past don't really stay there.
The conversation was actually comforting because, oddly, it was like talking to a very old friend. There was an unspoken history, understood by the both of us, but neither mentioned. I think it was good that we caught up with each other, even though it felt like many years in the making. After the conversation, I finally felt at peace and very comfortable in my present skin. I didn't have any feelings of "what if" and "too bad." I really didn't feel much at all. All I knew was that I was talking to someone I have know for 14 years, someone who kind of still knew me.
Of course, we did talk about me being married and why he wasn't. There was something he mentioned that put the period at the end of a very long sentence. He told me he was happy that Francis is a good guy. And for some weird reason, I felt comfort in knowing that he approved. (Kel actually told me the same thing about a month ago, which brought about the same feeling.) It's hard to describe, but to hear that from the two people who caused me to question my self-worth made me feel kind of triumphant.
I remember almost 10 years ago, I thought I could see ghosts, but I was really just disturbed. As for the dreams, I think I'll sleep better from now on.
I did have a dream the other night about my closet- it was empty. No sign of ghosts or skeletons...
Disclaimer: Francis knows about the chat and I told him. He laughed it off because he's secure in my adoration for him...this is why I married him...
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