Absent

I was absent during the weekend because I spent most of my time with my family. I went shopping with Mom on Saturday and had dinner with FH, her boy friend, QBall, and their childhood friend.

I realized that the hardest thing about having a really good memory is that you can't forget anything. Well, you can't forget the things you want to forget that easily. I've found a way to block out certain memories, but when my defenses are down, they creep up on me. There are certain things that I would love to not remember, like the years I spent with LL. (Chuckles to self) But that's like pretending to be 12 again or having amnesia for the past 10 years. I have to be fair to myself and my experience. I have to be fair to him, too. We did have some great times together. It was the pursuit of the happiness he caused me to feel that made me hold on for so long. I pretended that the pain didn't matter, so as long as, one day, we'd finally be happy again. These happy times are the things I want to not remember because they play tricks on me. Sometimes, I must admit, an itty-bitty part of me entertains the possibility that I could love him again. This only happens during my relationship-angst stages. (Thank God!) And since I believe that love is a choice, I choose and will continue to choose not to love him for my sake. Besides, it was all an illusion, a world I made up for myself.

I can't wait for the another chance to love someone. This time, I want to do it right.

Dum di dum...and the ranting continues. Here we go again.

Where are you? What's taking you so long?