Can we still be friends? does not apply to you

I hate to admit it, but it's true. I realized it while it was happening, but I could not stop it. I am still very careful with LL's feelings. Again, I will not ask myself why. We were chatting and he was rambling on and on about me leaving without notice and, once again, being upset with him. Unlike with Schoolboy and Fb, I didn't cut him off and I wasn't as blunt. I didn't tell him outright that I found no pleasure in seeing him again. I gave the common ex-girl friend excuse- I was busy, but at least we saw each other twice. Ok, that isn't so common. The point is I wasn't my mean, heartless self.

But I digress.

CBF and I discussed this and she suggested that I might not be over him like I thought or was hoping to be. There's nothing I can say about this. There is no point in justifying the irony of this tattered portion of my life.

Seeing his name on my YM isn't as easy as I thought it would be, especially when I'm online for more than three hours and he doesn't even say hello. Maybe it's because I secretly hope that he will soon realize he no longer has me at his whim. This is the secret hope of all ex-girl friends that have moved on. We're not really supposed to care, but our egos crave the victory of seeing you grovel. We want you to try and indirectly use your charms to test the waters, only to discover that the river is dry.

So much for trying to be friends. I don't think, at this point, it is possible. I cannot erase 10 years. I cannot pretend that I wasn't selfish with his love for almost half my life, nor can I deny the thousand endless nights of full moons and acid tears. I will keep these memories close to remind me never to return to that place again- where I walked with him in solitude, a slave to the senses.

LL, forgive me for this fault. Forgive me for not being able to find the mark where past pains are forgotten and present healing begins. Forgive me for not being like you, the actor that you are. You are magnificent. I envy your talent of hollow laughter on cue and deception at its finest. I will continue on, no baggage at hand. And I will cherish the good and the bad, as I promised again and again on the many days we vowed to be one.

Forever only exists in the grays, where my dreams are clouded by your premonition.

May you forever exist where I cannot reach you.