I have decided to put an end to this idiocy...and then change my mind again

...because there is no possible way I can get through this with my mind up my butt. There is just no way.

I have decided to stop thinking and "go with the flow." I've thought myself into some kind of black hole where rationality morphed into my kindergarten teacher. (Scary thought) Somehow, "the flow" doesn't flow that smoothly anymore. "The flow" has weaved itself into a ball, that sits in the pit of my stomach. I, now, have indigestion.

This is crazy.

One cure. Only one. I think I will go find it, even if it means that I have to leave my pretty little box and venture into the unknown. Uy. There are certain things worth the risk, that go beyond planning and blueprints and blocks of time that I have reserved. I know I will sway from one side to the other in my best efforts of decision-making- today being a good example. How can you decide to quell a feeling that your intuition has stongly supported? The only way I know how to screw this up is to overanalyze it and find all the right reasons to...well, to screw it up.

Tonight, I'm going to the mall to make last-minute purchases at VS and buy Mom her other Mom's Day present.

I think I will find the cure somewhere in between overpriced skivvies and beautiful, heeled shoes.

Plus, Pecker might call tonight. There should be good in that.

Good night

And the night is done...

Sandals

I've been saying "hmmm" a lot lately, as I am deeply pondering some great, witty question of my life. On the contrary, I have unsuccessfully dodged the thinking process.

I think I will reward myself with two pairs of open-toed stilletos, one brown and one black. My theory is these pretty sandals will make my legs gorgeously un-masculine. (Shudder)

Hope floats in green bottle and comes back to owner

Many years ago, when I became indestructibly smart about "love," I placed all my hopes in a green, antique bottle that had a distinct crack on its butt (so that I could tell it was mine). I threw the bottle in the ocean and willed it to drown because, after seven years of research, I found that the smartest thing to do is to never hope. That way, the chances of my heart being crushed were reduced to 30%. I believed that it was a significant amount, owing myself a 70% possibility of non-heartache.

Last year, I was diagnosed with a chronic relapse. My trip home was propelled by empty hopes. Empty, I tell you, empty. I didn't know it then, until I reached my destination in a fat-filled, dreamy state. Thirteen days later, the bastard screwed me over. With no strength left to be angry, I went in search for the cause of my ailment that led me back to my vicious cycle.

It turns out that the crack on the green bottle's butt was big enough to allow some of the hope to seep through. Unfortunately, the bottle fought for its existence by breathing through the crack in its butt and let some of the hopes out so that it would be light enough to float back to its owner, who is sorry little moi.

I have it with me today. And I am pissed. I know that if I throw it back, it'll just haunt me when I least expect it. Even if I use bubble gum to seal the crack.

I am ready to sleep, with the bottle of hopes in my right hand. My other hand is clenching my chest, because I am beginning to feel the pangs of the relapse. It's not "chronic" this time. I "hope."

Oh, the reason why the green bottle has a crack on its butt is because I hit myself over the head with it once, ok, twice.

So much for being indestructibly smart.

Hideous

On my way home, off the 22, I saw the most hideous car in the whole entire world.

A 2003/2004 BABY PINK (pronounced with sarcastic baby talk) Volkswagen Beetle.

I hate pink!

Yuck!

I gagged with fury.

It was hideous, ABSOLUTELY hideous!

Hmph...

Today, I will whine. I will whine about the past two days I didn't write. I will whine about the almost-forgotten application form to transfer to CSULB. I will whine about my enemy and my friend- Mr. Procrastination. I will whine about how long it will take me to finish this entry. I will whine about not going to the gym for a week.

I will whine about my perfect life.

Whine, whine, whine.

LL asked me why my status on YM was "Pfffft." He asked what it was, and I told him that it's the sound that kids make when they blow air between their lips. I explained that that was my mood for today. It has actually been my mood for the past two weeks.

I've lost all motivation. I know it's in here somewhere; I think I left it in the car underneath the hood where the engine burns the wings off the flies that get trapped when I speed along the freeway. Or it might be under the covers of my bed where I left my winter socks.

I've also become good friends with Mr. Procrastination. I have lost the sense of time and how important it is. I go home and sleep. That's all I do. And I feel my existence has not been very useful. I am in a slump.

I also feel incredibly fat, and none of this has motivated me to drive towards the gym or learn how to swim.

And to top it all off...

I think I am...ummm. Well, you see, there's is this thing that I abhore the most. Well, it's not a thing, it's actually a feeling. Ummm...and I hate it, because it's terrible. It's caught me off guard and I don't know how the hell it happened. And effing Fate is not fair or is it effing Destiny or some stupid shit you say when you don't know how to explain it. This is not so good for my organized life which has been planned out since the day I knew how to win an argument.

I'm scared shitless and I tried running into the wall this morning to knock some sense into myself, but it hasn't worked and, now, there's this dent on my wall with my face marks faintly sketched on the white plaster of paris.

I think this has something to do with the fact that I hate waiting for all the good things in life. I like to get what I want immediately after asking for it, whether I deserve it or not. And since I don't know if this is a good thing, I don't exactly know whether I deserve this blow to the chest and the heavy, faint feeling in the pit of my tummy.

And Lord, all this whining is actually a prayer sent to You, to help me get my shit together before all the great things in life break loose and surround my little blueprint existence. I don't like to be out of the box I live in, where everything is safe and cozy. I have vowed never to plan out in my tiny brain how things will turn out. I know better now. Though, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. So, if this so-called surprise is worth anything, including the wait, I will sit patiently (or impatiently, pacing the room) while you walk me through this and bop me upside the head when I need it. (Thank you, Lord for always being there. Iloveyou.)

Pace, pace, pace.

Stupid blow-to-the-chest-and-heavy-faint-feeling-in-the-pit-of-my-chubby-tummy.

Pffft.

Friday night

Friday night was spent waiting for my Aunt to call so that we could pick her up. The call never came, but this didn't bother me a bit.

I was chatting with Pecker. He was in Hawaii the past four days, and when you get used to talking to someone almost everyday, four days is a long, long time. I know better now, of course, never to wait for Pecker again- being that I have anticipation issues and all (LOL). I was absolutely ecstatic that he was back, and made no qualms about expressing my "yeheys" and "yipee." For those who know me, these expressions coming from me is like The Rock picking flowers and saying "awe." (Shudder)

The best things in life are in good conversations. There's nothing like laughter from the pit of your stomach or the warm iffy feeling when someone shares a secret (or several) with you.

Tonight, I am at a loss for words.

Ok, so today is Thursday

Thursday, for this week, is a great day because it's the day before Friday. No, I'm not losing it. I've just been anticipating Friday for the longest time. Not funny because I hate waiting. Really, really hate waiting. (You should know this, Pecker.) I'm glad that I was out with a friend last night, so there wasn't much to think about when I got home. (IR, I know I promised to stop thinking like a paranoid schizo, but you have to give me time.)

It's always nice to be out with old friends. Doc, who's a frat brother of one of the exes, and I weren't really close in college, but that's not important. I love my buddies from Masig so much that when I see their fellow brother, I treat him as I treat the rest- like a long lost brother. Anyway, it turned out to be a long night with me asking the engaged couples questions and questions and more questions. I'm always pretty curious how people find themselves together. I think it's because I like to be able to predict the outcome of situations in my life with the influence and learnings of friends. So far, it's been quite senseless, but I still daydream on the way to work (IR, bad habits die hard).

Anyway, I am aboslutely pissed off. I find no support from my family in terms of my love life. Not that it really exists, but they extinguish all hope while I'm still trying to turn the flame into a fire. That's it. From now on, I will be a clam. I will keep my mouth shut. There's no support from IR, either. Thanks a lot, people. I have nothing left to say to you. We will go back to common courtesies.

Good night!!!

From Ailene

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this, allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

I still have the right to refuse questions that I deem incriminating (this goes for you, CBF!). LOL.

Wa wa wa

What do you do when you ruin a perfectly good conversation because you're afraid of losing your defenses? You bang your head on the wall over and over again and tell yourself to stop trying to take control all the freakin' time. Banging my head on the wall is like breathing. It's the letting go of control that scares me. Yes, other than needles and ghosts, I am also afraid to lose control of situations I so expertly weave myself in and out of.

I fear the confusion and ambiguity of emotions. I steer clear of situations where I feel cornered and I'm forced to expose the yellows and grays of my soul. I am emotionally secure, but will only approach you at arm's length. There will be no run-arounds and silly guessing games. There will be no amorous speeches or vague undertones. I will not be the backburner for personal issues or rebound-hunters, nor will I be cradle to your angst of loneliness.

But, if we're lucky, I will be your companion; I will be your friend. You'll never catch sight of my back, unless we're spooning. I will be your hug-giver and kiss-taker. I will hold your hand and lean on your shoulder. I will rest my head on your chest and smile when the sun goes down. I will laugh at your jokes when they are funny and give you a hard time when they're not. I will talk to you about everything that my brain can comprehend and call your bluffs to keep you in line. I will love every itty-bitty piece of you, even the parts that don't see the light of day.

All I need is time.

And jackhammers, a lot of jackhammers, to break down these defenses.

Maybe, then, the black and blue on my head will have vanished and my arm's length will hold you a little closer.

Maybe...

Why I am unproductive on Saturdays

...because I am Queen Lazy on this day. I have the right to be lazy on this day. I have the power to be lazy on this day.

Ironically, I finished a good amount of chores on this day.

But, my purpose has not been defeated.

I do have lazy thoughts.

I've been feeling quite, how do you say, out of breath, lately, as if there is someone sitting on my chest. I have lost my sense of solitude. I want to be gone.

CBF's talk of Montreal in the summer sounds enticing. We finally spoke on Friday, which was weird and relieving at the same time. She rambled on about her life and her friends and how un-mundane it is. I really wish I were there. Really, really, really.

I can't say that I'm not blessed, because I thank the Lord everyday for everything and everyone I have, but, at this moment, I crave only to be with myself.

All my close friends are domesticated. All they want to do is stay home with their boy friends (gag) and watch TV like a married couple (gag). Not that I'm totally opposed to the comfort of domestication, it's just that I'm not there yet, nor do I want to be.

I really want to live in my own quaint studio/apartment. One bedroom will be enough with my own clean kitchen and comfy living room. There is an office area in a small corner where my laptop sits and two plants that don't need much watering. When I get home from saving the world, I will change into comfy clothes. I will go down the street, book in hand, to the local cafe and order chamomile tea. I will sit on the blue couch with its special dent, deep enough to accomodate my bottom. I'll read for an hour or two, depending on where the book takes me. Then, I will head to the local bar, where my friends are playing pool and we chat till I grow tired. CBF and I will laugh our butts off while we ogle the men across the room. We will dare each other to be bolder, but, instead, find ourselves giggling with naughty thoughts.

I wish I could do that tonight, but I know that it won't be possible for me to move for the next two years.

What do you do when you're stuck, and waiting, and have no place to go?

Crap...it doesn't happen often...but, here I go again

Crap!

Here I go again. It's a little amusing when you're closest friends think they know what you're thinking, but, in reality, they really don't. It's also amusing when you realize that when you think what they're thinking is wrong, it's actually precise. It's as precise as it can get. And there is the dilemma.

I am quite the expert in self-denial. I am superwoman. I can pretend that certain feelings don't exist, and I can even obliterate them all together. This is moi (that's me in French, right Pecker?).

What troubles me is this state I put myself in. It's spontaneous, like bugs on the windshield, sticky and irritating. Sticky because it doesn't go away when you wipe it off. It still leaves some kind of residue. Ick. Irritating is self-explanatory.

And here I am, stuck inside my own chaotic head, waiting. I am waiting for a ring or some sunlight to blind me from my thoughts that form incoherent words to match suffocating feelings.

Ugh.

And this is the light of me.

And this is the dark of me.

Suffocating, no air to the brain, drowning, wallowing in stupidity, a heavy weight on my chest.

So, this is how it feels to fall (something to this extent, right Boobsie?).

Freaky Friday

Today, I am:

Antsy...I hate anticipation. It drives me nuts.

Pissed off...MSNmsngr is "having difficulty" signing me in.

Impatient...I wish it were 4p.m.

Not hungry...I had oatmeal right before lunch.

And it's only 12:06 p.m.
Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Got this from RB

My name is: Kungfufighter
In the morning I am: Groggy
All I need: I need nothing. I have everything I need.
Love is: truly God
afraid of: Needles and ghosts
I dream about: what will happen in the week to come (literally)


-H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . .-

[Pictured your crush naked?]: Hehehe. Yes. (Blush)
[Actually seen your crush naked]: Nope.
[Been in love]: Yes.
[Cried when someone died]: Yes.
[Lied]: Yes.


-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-

[Coke or Pepsi]: Coca-cola. The real thing, baby.
[Flowers or candy]: Chocolate.
[Tall or short]: Tall.

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-

[What do you notice first?]: Face (then the shoes)
[Last person u slow danced with]: That was so long ago that I forgot.
[Makes you laugh the most?]: (at the moment) Pecker
[Makes you smile]: Any guy bud who says something out of the ordinary
[Do you have a crush on someone?]: Of course.
[Has a crush on you?]: I doubt.
[Easiest to talk to]: IR, the bestest friend in the world

-D O. Y O U. E V E R-

[Sit on the internet all day waiting for a someone special to I.M. you?]: LOL> Yes.
[Save Aol/aim conversations]: Nope. That's like saving evidence.
[Wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: Yeah, sometimes, I think it's easier to be a guy.
[Cried because of someone saying something to you]: Yes. Stoopid Chinky.

-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-

[Fallen for your best friend]: Nope. Ack.
[Been rejected]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Rejected someone]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Used someone]: Not to the extent I was aware of it.
[Been cheated on]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Done something you regret]: Yeah (Dumbass)

-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-

[You talked to on the phone]: California DMV CSR
[You instant messaged]: Benjo
[You laughed with]: Pecker


-D O .Y O U-

[Colour your hair]: Nope.
[Ever get off the damn computer]: Not really.


-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-

[Smoke cigarettes]: Yup, sometimes.
[Obsessive]: Yes, unfortunately.
[Could you live without the computer?]: NOPE.
[How many peeps are on your buddy list?]: I don't know.
[What's your favourite fruit?]: Banana.
[Drink alcohol?]: Nope.
[Like watching sunrises or sunset]: Yup. Depends on who I'm with.
[Trust ppl?]: Sometimes.

-N U M B E R-

[Of times I have had my heart broken?]: UGH...can't count that many.
[Of continents I have lived in?]: 2
[Of drugs taken illegally?]: 1
[Of tight friends?]: Several
[Of cd's that I own?]: I don't know.
[Of scars on my body?]: 3, I think.
[Of things in my past that I regret?]: 1

The phone call

Tonight, while having wine with Mom, I received four phone calls. Four! 4! Quatro! Apat! That's a lot for my age. I'm not really excited about calls anymore, unless my friends are in dire need of help. I am no longer the teenager with whom one could carry on a five-hour conversation with. I have lost the patience for that.

However, tonight was different. I don't know if I was just buzzed or God told them to remind me that I have friends. One call was from my Auntie, who, by the way, scared me shitless with her why-don't-you-have-a-boy-friend-I-pity-you-You-will-be-an-old-maid-soon speech. I digress.

The last call was from CB. Testing the waters, eh? (Mom said that. I think Mom was buzzed, too.) It was a hollow conversation, I hate to admit. There is nothing left. He responded too late. Ugh...

And the chapter ends there.

Einie

I call him, Einie, my genius friend, short for Einstein, of course. That is the best nickname to do him justice. I've known him since my senior year in high school. There are people we meet that aren't really people. They are really souls that touch our lives. I don't know why we've kept in touch for so long, minus the calls and the get-togethers. This is possible, you know, to be in touch in mind and in heart without the limitations of the human senses.

Einie taught me Physics and several life lessons. He is with great mind and good heart. (So, I cannot be blamed for being selfish with his friendship. I often keep our conversations to myself.) These are the things I have brought with me through this so-called journey.

We talked today, long-distance of course. He still laughs the same and has the same expressions. After five minutes of blaming each other for not keeping in touch, he imparted several reminders that I live by:

1. Be glad that you are where you are.
2. There is no rushing life, everything falls into place in its own time.
3. Be thankful to the good Lord for every moment.

And with this, I am content.

I can't wait till we see each other again.
There are so many things to remember and definitely nothing to regret.

The coolest thing

Two cool things have happened to me on this Mundane Monday:

1) I found an old friend (more to come on this)
2) I found, by accident, Wil Wheaton's blog. This is cool because I watched Stand by Me last Saturday and wondered where the cutie is nowadays. He still looks the same. Too bad he's married. Hehe.

At this given moment

Wallet - black, leather, RL

Hair brush - I have a green comb

Toothbrush - violet and whit (Oral-B)

Jewelry worn daily - watch and earrings

Pillow cover - white

Coffee Cup - Van Gogh paintings on it

Underwear - girl boy briefs in white with red stripes

Favorite shirt - The one with the tiny pocket in front

Cologne/Perfume - Gap Simple

Tattoos - I wish...but none

Piercing - both ears

In my mouth - leftovers, eew

In my head - should I wash the dishes

Wishing - to buy a house

After this - I will wash the dishes

Fetishes - shoes

Person you wish you could see right now - Daddy

Is next to you - bag to my left and vacuum to my right

Some of your favorite movies - When a Man Loves a Woman, 25th Hour

Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - Payday

The last thing you ate - garlic bread

Something that you are afraid of - needles and ghosts

Do you like candles - have some in almost every room

Do you like incense - same as above

Do you like the taste of blood - ack

Do you believe in love - ask me again next year

Do you believe in soul mates - yes

Do you believe in love at first sight - Hell no!

Do you believe in Heaven - of course!

Do you believe in God - definitely

Who is your worst enemy - MYSELF

If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - I have one, a dog

What is the latest you've ever stayed up - till 10 a.m.

Can you eat with chopsticks - yeah

What's your favorite coin - I don't like coins, only bills. Hehehe.

What are some of your favorite animals - doggie woggies

What's something that you wish people would understand - why people do the things they do

It is a Friday night, and I am at home answering this stupid survey.

The handsome, gentle dentist and the ride home

I would just like to say thank you to my handsome, gentle dentist for being so handsome and gentle. If it were not for him, a man poking me in the gums with a long needle while breathing on my face through a face mask would be unbearable. Thank you young handsome, gentle, blue-eyed dentist. It was my pleasure to be your patient today. (This is not the novacaine talking.)

Today, I saw a grandma hunched over with old age run across the street because she was conscious that a truck was waiting to make a left turn. On my way home, I saw grandpa hunched over with old age sprint across Ocean Blvd. to give way for the cars who were turning left. Twice in one day. What has this world come to?

What else did I notice?

I noticed that there wasn't any traffic on the way home. Not that I was in a hurry. Today is Friday. I have no plans. Nuff said.

Best friends and stoopid girls

I finally got to chat with IR today. IR is the best friend. The male/asexual/used-to-be-rebound-crush best friend. The pick-me-up-I'm-bored and entertain-me-when-I'm-heart-broken best friend. IR is my go-to-guy, my patient, caring, stupid, funny best friend.

Anyway, he tells me that he's in love with some Patricia girl. Every time he says this, that he's fallen for someone, I'm automatically pissed off and a bit jealous. Other than my being the narcissist, hoping to be the only non-related female he will ever care for for the rest of his life, there are other reasons for my violent expressions of acceptance. I would be more than happy to hand him over to the next woman deserving of his affection (Ok, slightly happy), but she has to be more than worth it. And though, IR, I think you are yucky-looking and sway more to the right than totally straight, I honestly believe that you are a GOOD person- that a woman must know how to care for you and love you. She must not only know from her heart, but she should know how to manifest this knowledge. At this point, there is no woman that I have met who seems even close enough to be girl-friend material for you. So, you must forgive me for being less than willing to hand you over to some witless girl from some province who by-chance hugs you while you're watching The Passion. In case you really do fall in love with her, you give me permission to squish her tiny head with my fat fingers if she even thinks about breaking your heart.

Besides, setting aside the fact you're yucky-looking and way beyond last choice, I have to remind you that I will be accepting your proposal when I turn 30. So there!

The Booger

My brother told me about an article he read about boogers (Pecker, that's kulangot). It turns out, a doctor researched the eating of boogers to be good for the immune system. This endeavor also helps relax the individual, he says. There's enough germs in a booger to make you fend off the common ailments. Mom was quite entertained by this story (I'm not surprised).

I have boogers. I pick them when I'm at home, in front of my family who has to love me no matter what. I, however, don't eat them (don't listen to what the kids say, they're all lies!!!). I do not wish to eat them, nor will I ever eat them, even if I were stuck in a building for 10 hours with nothing to eat.

I like my vitamins, thank you very much. Besides, I breathe in enough germs from the Long Beach Coast everyday to boost my immune system.

Boogers were quite fascinating when I was a kid, though. We would all pick our noses and run around with boogers on the tips of our fingers threatening our terrified friends to come closer. Who's "we"? Don't front. Y'all know who you are!

Anyway, a booger is a booger is a kulangot. You pick 'em, you eat 'em. It's not a big deal, as long as you do it on your own time.

Pass the tissue, please.

Adobo

I had dinner at FH's apartment. She called me at work. Because of this, I didn't go to the gym again. We had a long, tiring, yet amusing discussion. Qball is engaged. And the volcano is awakened.

It's a long story. Let's call it one of the ironies of life.

We're at that point already, where marriage is the next step.

How scary. I shudder at the thought of compromising my freedom. Brrr.

I looked through my album by chance. Pictures bring out the best and worst of me. The last 10 pages were pictures of the exes. (Sigh) Each face reflects a puzzle of random memories.

How lonely.

How sweet.

How I wish I could go back and relive the special moments, even the bad ones are worth experiencing.

I want to go back to 1996 and walk around SM City with LL and his younger brother after watching Glimmer Man.

I want to go back to 2000 and have lunch with Tisoy at Robinson's Place.

I want to go back to 2001 and sit at the tambayan with the brods and laugh and tell jokes.

I want to go back to 1994 and write the lyrics to "When can I see you again?" in the notebook that LL and I exchanged letters in.

I want to find the pieces, the ones I thought I lost along the way. I want to see and feel the warmth of the funny looks and awkward giggles. I want to feel the comfort of the hands that intertwined with mine. I want to go back to that time when I was sure that I was safe and secure and excited to live each day by his side.

I want to go back.

And I thought I was all screwed up

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I had to take this for my Org Behavior class in February. I used to be ENFJ. Go figure! A lot of things can change within two months.

Monday morning

When you approach me at 8:00 on a Monday morning and start off with, "Can you do me a favor?," you officially give me the permission to shoot you on the crotch with three red paint balls.

For a Monday right after daylight savings time, I'm dealing with extraordinarily lazy shit here. Not only did I have to contend with the fact that I lost an hour worth of sleep because we had to advance our clocks 60 minutes ahead, I was also greeted by two wonderful officemates as soon as I sat at my desk.

I will go to Islands and indulge, paint ball gun in hand.

Get off my back or I'll shoot.

The half-truth not admitted

FROZEN QUEEN
You dont want love to come through to you. You like
it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need
to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you.
You are already used to it. You say to yourself
that you dont need anyone, that you stand on
your own two feet or that you dont have time
for these things. But in reality you are scared
to get hurt. You feel safe where you are: by
yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You
invent your own relationship in your dreams.
You just need to know that you COULD get a
partner.
Thats it.


~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

And I thought I was only standoffish.