Hmph...

Today, I will whine. I will whine about the past two days I didn't write. I will whine about the almost-forgotten application form to transfer to CSULB. I will whine about my enemy and my friend- Mr. Procrastination. I will whine about how long it will take me to finish this entry. I will whine about not going to the gym for a week.

I will whine about my perfect life.

Whine, whine, whine.

LL asked me why my status on YM was "Pfffft." He asked what it was, and I told him that it's the sound that kids make when they blow air between their lips. I explained that that was my mood for today. It has actually been my mood for the past two weeks.

I've lost all motivation. I know it's in here somewhere; I think I left it in the car underneath the hood where the engine burns the wings off the flies that get trapped when I speed along the freeway. Or it might be under the covers of my bed where I left my winter socks.

I've also become good friends with Mr. Procrastination. I have lost the sense of time and how important it is. I go home and sleep. That's all I do. And I feel my existence has not been very useful. I am in a slump.

I also feel incredibly fat, and none of this has motivated me to drive towards the gym or learn how to swim.

And to top it all off...

I think I am...ummm. Well, you see, there's is this thing that I abhore the most. Well, it's not a thing, it's actually a feeling. Ummm...and I hate it, because it's terrible. It's caught me off guard and I don't know how the hell it happened. And effing Fate is not fair or is it effing Destiny or some stupid shit you say when you don't know how to explain it. This is not so good for my organized life which has been planned out since the day I knew how to win an argument.

I'm scared shitless and I tried running into the wall this morning to knock some sense into myself, but it hasn't worked and, now, there's this dent on my wall with my face marks faintly sketched on the white plaster of paris.

I think this has something to do with the fact that I hate waiting for all the good things in life. I like to get what I want immediately after asking for it, whether I deserve it or not. And since I don't know if this is a good thing, I don't exactly know whether I deserve this blow to the chest and the heavy, faint feeling in the pit of my tummy.

And Lord, all this whining is actually a prayer sent to You, to help me get my shit together before all the great things in life break loose and surround my little blueprint existence. I don't like to be out of the box I live in, where everything is safe and cozy. I have vowed never to plan out in my tiny brain how things will turn out. I know better now. Though, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. So, if this so-called surprise is worth anything, including the wait, I will sit patiently (or impatiently, pacing the room) while you walk me through this and bop me upside the head when I need it. (Thank you, Lord for always being there. Iloveyou.)

Pace, pace, pace.

Stupid blow-to-the-chest-and-heavy-faint-feeling-in-the-pit-of-my-chubby-tummy.

Pffft.