Wa wa wa

What do you do when you ruin a perfectly good conversation because you're afraid of losing your defenses? You bang your head on the wall over and over again and tell yourself to stop trying to take control all the freakin' time. Banging my head on the wall is like breathing. It's the letting go of control that scares me. Yes, other than needles and ghosts, I am also afraid to lose control of situations I so expertly weave myself in and out of.

I fear the confusion and ambiguity of emotions. I steer clear of situations where I feel cornered and I'm forced to expose the yellows and grays of my soul. I am emotionally secure, but will only approach you at arm's length. There will be no run-arounds and silly guessing games. There will be no amorous speeches or vague undertones. I will not be the backburner for personal issues or rebound-hunters, nor will I be cradle to your angst of loneliness.

But, if we're lucky, I will be your companion; I will be your friend. You'll never catch sight of my back, unless we're spooning. I will be your hug-giver and kiss-taker. I will hold your hand and lean on your shoulder. I will rest my head on your chest and smile when the sun goes down. I will laugh at your jokes when they are funny and give you a hard time when they're not. I will talk to you about everything that my brain can comprehend and call your bluffs to keep you in line. I will love every itty-bitty piece of you, even the parts that don't see the light of day.

All I need is time.

And jackhammers, a lot of jackhammers, to break down these defenses.

Maybe, then, the black and blue on my head will have vanished and my arm's length will hold you a little closer.

Maybe...