I finally got to chat with IR today. IR is the best friend. The male/asexual/used-to-be-rebound-crush best friend. The pick-me-up-I'm-bored and entertain-me-when-I'm-heart-broken best friend. IR is my go-to-guy, my patient, caring, stupid, funny best friend.
Anyway, he tells me that he's in love with some Patricia girl. Every time he says this, that he's fallen for someone, I'm automatically pissed off and a bit jealous. Other than my being the narcissist, hoping to be the only non-related female he will ever care for for the rest of his life, there are other reasons for my violent expressions of acceptance. I would be more than happy to hand him over to the next woman deserving of his affection (Ok, slightly happy), but she has to be more than worth it. And though, IR, I think you are yucky-looking and sway more to the right than totally straight, I honestly believe that you are a GOOD person- that a woman must know how to care for you and love you. She must not only know from her heart, but she should know how to manifest this knowledge. At this point, there is no woman that I have met who seems even close enough to be girl-friend material for you. So, you must forgive me for being less than willing to hand you over to some witless girl from some province who by-chance hugs you while you're watching The Passion. In case you really do fall in love with her, you give me permission to squish her tiny head with my fat fingers if she even thinks about breaking your heart.
Besides, setting aside the fact you're yucky-looking and way beyond last choice, I have to remind you that I will be accepting your proposal when I turn 30. So there!
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