Friday night was spent waiting for my Aunt to call so that we could pick her up. The call never came, but this didn't bother me a bit.
I was chatting with Pecker. He was in Hawaii the past four days, and when you get used to talking to someone almost everyday, four days is a long, long time. I know better now, of course, never to wait for Pecker again- being that I have anticipation issues and all (LOL). I was absolutely ecstatic that he was back, and made no qualms about expressing my "yeheys" and "yipee." For those who know me, these expressions coming from me is like The Rock picking flowers and saying "awe." (Shudder)
The best things in life are in good conversations. There's nothing like laughter from the pit of your stomach or the warm iffy feeling when someone shares a secret (or several) with you.
Tonight, I am at a loss for words.
Friday, April 23, 2004
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Ok, so today is Thursday
Thursday, for this week, is a great day because it's the day before Friday. No, I'm not losing it. I've just been anticipating Friday for the longest time. Not funny because I hate waiting. Really, really hate waiting. (You should know this, Pecker.) I'm glad that I was out with a friend last night, so there wasn't much to think about when I got home. (IR, I know I promised to stop thinking like a paranoid schizo, but you have to give me time.)
It's always nice to be out with old friends. Doc, who's a frat brother of one of the exes, and I weren't really close in college, but that's not important. I love my buddies from Masig so much that when I see their fellow brother, I treat him as I treat the rest- like a long lost brother. Anyway, it turned out to be a long night with me asking the engaged couples questions and questions and more questions. I'm always pretty curious how people find themselves together. I think it's because I like to be able to predict the outcome of situations in my life with the influence and learnings of friends. So far, it's been quite senseless, but I still daydream on the way to work (IR, bad habits die hard).
Anyway, I am aboslutely pissed off. I find no support from my family in terms of my love life. Not that it really exists, but they extinguish all hope while I'm still trying to turn the flame into a fire. That's it. From now on, I will be a clam. I will keep my mouth shut. There's no support from IR, either. Thanks a lot, people. I have nothing left to say to you. We will go back to common courtesies.
Good night!!!
It's always nice to be out with old friends. Doc, who's a frat brother of one of the exes, and I weren't really close in college, but that's not important. I love my buddies from Masig so much that when I see their fellow brother, I treat him as I treat the rest- like a long lost brother. Anyway, it turned out to be a long night with me asking the engaged couples questions and questions and more questions. I'm always pretty curious how people find themselves together. I think it's because I like to be able to predict the outcome of situations in my life with the influence and learnings of friends. So far, it's been quite senseless, but I still daydream on the way to work (IR, bad habits die hard).
Anyway, I am aboslutely pissed off. I find no support from my family in terms of my love life. Not that it really exists, but they extinguish all hope while I'm still trying to turn the flame into a fire. That's it. From now on, I will be a clam. I will keep my mouth shut. There's no support from IR, either. Thanks a lot, people. I have nothing left to say to you. We will go back to common courtesies.
Good night!!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
From Ailene
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this, allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.
I still have the right to refuse questions that I deem incriminating (this goes for you, CBF!). LOL.
I still have the right to refuse questions that I deem incriminating (this goes for you, CBF!). LOL.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Wa wa wa
What do you do when you ruin a perfectly good conversation because you're afraid of losing your defenses? You bang your head on the wall over and over again and tell yourself to stop trying to take control all the freakin' time. Banging my head on the wall is like breathing. It's the letting go of control that scares me. Yes, other than needles and ghosts, I am also afraid to lose control of situations I so expertly weave myself in and out of.
I fear the confusion and ambiguity of emotions. I steer clear of situations where I feel cornered and I'm forced to expose the yellows and grays of my soul. I am emotionally secure, but will only approach you at arm's length. There will be no run-arounds and silly guessing games. There will be no amorous speeches or vague undertones. I will not be the backburner for personal issues or rebound-hunters, nor will I be cradle to your angst of loneliness.
But, if we're lucky, I will be your companion; I will be your friend. You'll never catch sight of my back, unless we're spooning. I will be your hug-giver and kiss-taker. I will hold your hand and lean on your shoulder. I will rest my head on your chest and smile when the sun goes down. I will laugh at your jokes when they are funny and give you a hard time when they're not. I will talk to you about everything that my brain can comprehend and call your bluffs to keep you in line. I will love every itty-bitty piece of you, even the parts that don't see the light of day.
All I need is time.
And jackhammers, a lot of jackhammers, to break down these defenses.
Maybe, then, the black and blue on my head will have vanished and my arm's length will hold you a little closer.
Maybe...
I fear the confusion and ambiguity of emotions. I steer clear of situations where I feel cornered and I'm forced to expose the yellows and grays of my soul. I am emotionally secure, but will only approach you at arm's length. There will be no run-arounds and silly guessing games. There will be no amorous speeches or vague undertones. I will not be the backburner for personal issues or rebound-hunters, nor will I be cradle to your angst of loneliness.
But, if we're lucky, I will be your companion; I will be your friend. You'll never catch sight of my back, unless we're spooning. I will be your hug-giver and kiss-taker. I will hold your hand and lean on your shoulder. I will rest my head on your chest and smile when the sun goes down. I will laugh at your jokes when they are funny and give you a hard time when they're not. I will talk to you about everything that my brain can comprehend and call your bluffs to keep you in line. I will love every itty-bitty piece of you, even the parts that don't see the light of day.
All I need is time.
And jackhammers, a lot of jackhammers, to break down these defenses.
Maybe, then, the black and blue on my head will have vanished and my arm's length will hold you a little closer.
Maybe...
Saturday, April 17, 2004
Why I am unproductive on Saturdays
...because I am Queen Lazy on this day. I have the right to be lazy on this day. I have the power to be lazy on this day.
Ironically, I finished a good amount of chores on this day.
But, my purpose has not been defeated.
I do have lazy thoughts.
I've been feeling quite, how do you say, out of breath, lately, as if there is someone sitting on my chest. I have lost my sense of solitude. I want to be gone.
CBF's talk of Montreal in the summer sounds enticing. We finally spoke on Friday, which was weird and relieving at the same time. She rambled on about her life and her friends and how un-mundane it is. I really wish I were there. Really, really, really.
I can't say that I'm not blessed, because I thank the Lord everyday for everything and everyone I have, but, at this moment, I crave only to be with myself.
All my close friends are domesticated. All they want to do is stay home with their boy friends (gag) and watch TV like a married couple (gag). Not that I'm totally opposed to the comfort of domestication, it's just that I'm not there yet, nor do I want to be.
I really want to live in my own quaint studio/apartment. One bedroom will be enough with my own clean kitchen and comfy living room. There is an office area in a small corner where my laptop sits and two plants that don't need much watering. When I get home from saving the world, I will change into comfy clothes. I will go down the street, book in hand, to the local cafe and order chamomile tea. I will sit on the blue couch with its special dent, deep enough to accomodate my bottom. I'll read for an hour or two, depending on where the book takes me. Then, I will head to the local bar, where my friends are playing pool and we chat till I grow tired. CBF and I will laugh our butts off while we ogle the men across the room. We will dare each other to be bolder, but, instead, find ourselves giggling with naughty thoughts.
I wish I could do that tonight, but I know that it won't be possible for me to move for the next two years.
What do you do when you're stuck, and waiting, and have no place to go?
Ironically, I finished a good amount of chores on this day.
But, my purpose has not been defeated.
I do have lazy thoughts.
I've been feeling quite, how do you say, out of breath, lately, as if there is someone sitting on my chest. I have lost my sense of solitude. I want to be gone.
CBF's talk of Montreal in the summer sounds enticing. We finally spoke on Friday, which was weird and relieving at the same time. She rambled on about her life and her friends and how un-mundane it is. I really wish I were there. Really, really, really.
I can't say that I'm not blessed, because I thank the Lord everyday for everything and everyone I have, but, at this moment, I crave only to be with myself.
All my close friends are domesticated. All they want to do is stay home with their boy friends (gag) and watch TV like a married couple (gag). Not that I'm totally opposed to the comfort of domestication, it's just that I'm not there yet, nor do I want to be.
I really want to live in my own quaint studio/apartment. One bedroom will be enough with my own clean kitchen and comfy living room. There is an office area in a small corner where my laptop sits and two plants that don't need much watering. When I get home from saving the world, I will change into comfy clothes. I will go down the street, book in hand, to the local cafe and order chamomile tea. I will sit on the blue couch with its special dent, deep enough to accomodate my bottom. I'll read for an hour or two, depending on where the book takes me. Then, I will head to the local bar, where my friends are playing pool and we chat till I grow tired. CBF and I will laugh our butts off while we ogle the men across the room. We will dare each other to be bolder, but, instead, find ourselves giggling with naughty thoughts.
I wish I could do that tonight, but I know that it won't be possible for me to move for the next two years.
What do you do when you're stuck, and waiting, and have no place to go?
Friday, April 16, 2004
Crap...it doesn't happen often...but, here I go again
Crap!
Here I go again. It's a little amusing when you're closest friends think they know what you're thinking, but, in reality, they really don't. It's also amusing when you realize that when you think what they're thinking is wrong, it's actually precise. It's as precise as it can get. And there is the dilemma.
I am quite the expert in self-denial. I am superwoman. I can pretend that certain feelings don't exist, and I can even obliterate them all together. This is moi (that's me in French, right Pecker?).
What troubles me is this state I put myself in. It's spontaneous, like bugs on the windshield, sticky and irritating. Sticky because it doesn't go away when you wipe it off. It still leaves some kind of residue. Ick. Irritating is self-explanatory.
And here I am, stuck inside my own chaotic head, waiting. I am waiting for a ring or some sunlight to blind me from my thoughts that form incoherent words to match suffocating feelings.
Ugh.
And this is the light of me.
And this is the dark of me.
Suffocating, no air to the brain, drowning, wallowing in stupidity, a heavy weight on my chest.
So, this is how it feels to fall (something to this extent, right Boobsie?).
Here I go again. It's a little amusing when you're closest friends think they know what you're thinking, but, in reality, they really don't. It's also amusing when you realize that when you think what they're thinking is wrong, it's actually precise. It's as precise as it can get. And there is the dilemma.
I am quite the expert in self-denial. I am superwoman. I can pretend that certain feelings don't exist, and I can even obliterate them all together. This is moi (that's me in French, right Pecker?).
What troubles me is this state I put myself in. It's spontaneous, like bugs on the windshield, sticky and irritating. Sticky because it doesn't go away when you wipe it off. It still leaves some kind of residue. Ick. Irritating is self-explanatory.
And here I am, stuck inside my own chaotic head, waiting. I am waiting for a ring or some sunlight to blind me from my thoughts that form incoherent words to match suffocating feelings.
Ugh.
And this is the light of me.
And this is the dark of me.
Suffocating, no air to the brain, drowning, wallowing in stupidity, a heavy weight on my chest.
So, this is how it feels to fall (something to this extent, right Boobsie?).
Freaky Friday
Today, I am:
Antsy...I hate anticipation. It drives me nuts.
Pissed off...MSNmsngr is "having difficulty" signing me in.
Impatient...I wish it were 4p.m.
Not hungry...I had oatmeal right before lunch.
And it's only 12:06 p.m.
Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Antsy...I hate anticipation. It drives me nuts.
Pissed off...MSNmsngr is "having difficulty" signing me in.
Impatient...I wish it were 4p.m.
Not hungry...I had oatmeal right before lunch.
And it's only 12:06 p.m.
Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Got this from RB
My name is: Kungfufighter
In the morning I am: Groggy
All I need: I need nothing. I have everything I need.
Love is: truly God
afraid of: Needles and ghosts
I dream about: what will happen in the week to come (literally)
-H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . .-
[Pictured your crush naked?]: Hehehe. Yes. (Blush)
[Actually seen your crush naked]: Nope.
[Been in love]: Yes.
[Cried when someone died]: Yes.
[Lied]: Yes.
-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[Coke or Pepsi]: Coca-cola. The real thing, baby.
[Flowers or candy]: Chocolate.
[Tall or short]: Tall.
-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[What do you notice first?]: Face (then the shoes)
[Last person u slow danced with]: That was so long ago that I forgot.
[Makes you laugh the most?]: (at the moment) Pecker
[Makes you smile]: Any guy bud who says something out of the ordinary
[Do you have a crush on someone?]: Of course.
[Has a crush on you?]: I doubt.
[Easiest to talk to]: IR, the bestest friend in the world
-D O. Y O U. E V E R-
[Sit on the internet all day waiting for a someone special to I.M. you?]: LOL> Yes.
[Save Aol/aim conversations]: Nope. That's like saving evidence.
[Wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: Yeah, sometimes, I think it's easier to be a guy.
[Cried because of someone saying something to you]: Yes. Stoopid Chinky.
-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[Fallen for your best friend]: Nope. Ack.
[Been rejected]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Rejected someone]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Used someone]: Not to the extent I was aware of it.
[Been cheated on]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Done something you regret]: Yeah (Dumbass)
-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[You talked to on the phone]: California DMV CSR
[You instant messaged]: Benjo
[You laughed with]: Pecker
-D O .Y O U-
[Colour your hair]: Nope.
[Ever get off the damn computer]: Not really.
-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[Smoke cigarettes]: Yup, sometimes.
[Obsessive]: Yes, unfortunately.
[Could you live without the computer?]: NOPE.
[How many peeps are on your buddy list?]: I don't know.
[What's your favourite fruit?]: Banana.
[Drink alcohol?]: Nope.
[Like watching sunrises or sunset]: Yup. Depends on who I'm with.
[Trust ppl?]: Sometimes.
-N U M B E R-
[Of times I have had my heart broken?]: UGH...can't count that many.
[Of continents I have lived in?]: 2
[Of drugs taken illegally?]: 1
[Of tight friends?]: Several
[Of cd's that I own?]: I don't know.
[Of scars on my body?]: 3, I think.
[Of things in my past that I regret?]: 1
In the morning I am: Groggy
All I need: I need nothing. I have everything I need.
Love is: truly God
afraid of: Needles and ghosts
I dream about: what will happen in the week to come (literally)
-H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . .-
[Pictured your crush naked?]: Hehehe. Yes. (Blush)
[Actually seen your crush naked]: Nope.
[Been in love]: Yes.
[Cried when someone died]: Yes.
[Lied]: Yes.
-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[Coke or Pepsi]: Coca-cola. The real thing, baby.
[Flowers or candy]: Chocolate.
[Tall or short]: Tall.
-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[What do you notice first?]: Face (then the shoes)
[Last person u slow danced with]: That was so long ago that I forgot.
[Makes you laugh the most?]: (at the moment) Pecker
[Makes you smile]: Any guy bud who says something out of the ordinary
[Do you have a crush on someone?]: Of course.
[Has a crush on you?]: I doubt.
[Easiest to talk to]: IR, the bestest friend in the world
-D O. Y O U. E V E R-
[Sit on the internet all day waiting for a someone special to I.M. you?]: LOL> Yes.
[Save Aol/aim conversations]: Nope. That's like saving evidence.
[Wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: Yeah, sometimes, I think it's easier to be a guy.
[Cried because of someone saying something to you]: Yes. Stoopid Chinky.
-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[Fallen for your best friend]: Nope. Ack.
[Been rejected]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Rejected someone]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Used someone]: Not to the extent I was aware of it.
[Been cheated on]: Yeah (Dumbass)
[Done something you regret]: Yeah (Dumbass)
-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[You talked to on the phone]: California DMV CSR
[You instant messaged]: Benjo
[You laughed with]: Pecker
-D O .Y O U-
[Colour your hair]: Nope.
[Ever get off the damn computer]: Not really.
-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[Smoke cigarettes]: Yup, sometimes.
[Obsessive]: Yes, unfortunately.
[Could you live without the computer?]: NOPE.
[How many peeps are on your buddy list?]: I don't know.
[What's your favourite fruit?]: Banana.
[Drink alcohol?]: Nope.
[Like watching sunrises or sunset]: Yup. Depends on who I'm with.
[Trust ppl?]: Sometimes.
-N U M B E R-
[Of times I have had my heart broken?]: UGH...can't count that many.
[Of continents I have lived in?]: 2
[Of drugs taken illegally?]: 1
[Of tight friends?]: Several
[Of cd's that I own?]: I don't know.
[Of scars on my body?]: 3, I think.
[Of things in my past that I regret?]: 1
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
The phone call
Tonight, while having wine with Mom, I received four phone calls. Four! 4! Quatro! Apat! That's a lot for my age. I'm not really excited about calls anymore, unless my friends are in dire need of help. I am no longer the teenager with whom one could carry on a five-hour conversation with. I have lost the patience for that.
However, tonight was different. I don't know if I was just buzzed or God told them to remind me that I have friends. One call was from my Auntie, who, by the way, scared me shitless with her why-don't-you-have-a-boy-friend-I-pity-you-You-will-be-an-old-maid-soon speech. I digress.
The last call was from CB. Testing the waters, eh? (Mom said that. I think Mom was buzzed, too.) It was a hollow conversation, I hate to admit. There is nothing left. He responded too late. Ugh...
And the chapter ends there.
However, tonight was different. I don't know if I was just buzzed or God told them to remind me that I have friends. One call was from my Auntie, who, by the way, scared me shitless with her why-don't-you-have-a-boy-friend-I-pity-you-You-will-be-an-old-maid-soon speech. I digress.
The last call was from CB. Testing the waters, eh? (Mom said that. I think Mom was buzzed, too.) It was a hollow conversation, I hate to admit. There is nothing left. He responded too late. Ugh...
And the chapter ends there.
Monday, April 12, 2004
Einie
I call him, Einie, my genius friend, short for Einstein, of course. That is the best nickname to do him justice. I've known him since my senior year in high school. There are people we meet that aren't really people. They are really souls that touch our lives. I don't know why we've kept in touch for so long, minus the calls and the get-togethers. This is possible, you know, to be in touch in mind and in heart without the limitations of the human senses.
Einie taught me Physics and several life lessons. He is with great mind and good heart. (So, I cannot be blamed for being selfish with his friendship. I often keep our conversations to myself.) These are the things I have brought with me through this so-called journey.
We talked today, long-distance of course. He still laughs the same and has the same expressions. After five minutes of blaming each other for not keeping in touch, he imparted several reminders that I live by:
1. Be glad that you are where you are.
2. There is no rushing life, everything falls into place in its own time.
3. Be thankful to the good Lord for every moment.
And with this, I am content.
I can't wait till we see each other again.
There are so many things to remember and definitely nothing to regret.
Einie taught me Physics and several life lessons. He is with great mind and good heart. (So, I cannot be blamed for being selfish with his friendship. I often keep our conversations to myself.) These are the things I have brought with me through this so-called journey.
We talked today, long-distance of course. He still laughs the same and has the same expressions. After five minutes of blaming each other for not keeping in touch, he imparted several reminders that I live by:
1. Be glad that you are where you are.
2. There is no rushing life, everything falls into place in its own time.
3. Be thankful to the good Lord for every moment.
And with this, I am content.
I can't wait till we see each other again.
There are so many things to remember and definitely nothing to regret.
The coolest thing
Two cool things have happened to me on this Mundane Monday:
1) I found an old friend (more to come on this)
2) I found, by accident, Wil Wheaton's blog. This is cool because I watched Stand by Me last Saturday and wondered where the cutie is nowadays. He still looks the same. Too bad he's married. Hehe.
1) I found an old friend (more to come on this)
2) I found, by accident, Wil Wheaton's blog. This is cool because I watched Stand by Me last Saturday and wondered where the cutie is nowadays. He still looks the same. Too bad he's married. Hehe.
Friday, April 09, 2004
At this given moment
Wallet - black, leather, RL
Hair brush - I have a green comb
Toothbrush - violet and whit (Oral-B)
Jewelry worn daily - watch and earrings
Pillow cover - white
Coffee Cup - Van Gogh paintings on it
Underwear - girl boy briefs in white with red stripes
Favorite shirt - The one with the tiny pocket in front
Cologne/Perfume - Gap Simple
Tattoos - I wish...but none
Piercing - both ears
In my mouth - leftovers, eew
In my head - should I wash the dishes
Wishing - to buy a house
After this - I will wash the dishes
Fetishes - shoes
Person you wish you could see right now - Daddy
Is next to you - bag to my left and vacuum to my right
Some of your favorite movies - When a Man Loves a Woman, 25th Hour
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - Payday
The last thing you ate - garlic bread
Something that you are afraid of - needles and ghosts
Do you like candles - have some in almost every room
Do you like incense - same as above
Do you like the taste of blood - ack
Do you believe in love - ask me again next year
Do you believe in soul mates - yes
Do you believe in love at first sight - Hell no!
Do you believe in Heaven - of course!
Do you believe in God - definitely
Who is your worst enemy - MYSELF
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - I have one, a dog
What is the latest you've ever stayed up - till 10 a.m.
Can you eat with chopsticks - yeah
What's your favorite coin - I don't like coins, only bills. Hehehe.
What are some of your favorite animals - doggie woggies
What's something that you wish people would understand - why people do the things they do
It is a Friday night, and I am at home answering this stupid survey.
Hair brush - I have a green comb
Toothbrush - violet and whit (Oral-B)
Jewelry worn daily - watch and earrings
Pillow cover - white
Coffee Cup - Van Gogh paintings on it
Underwear - girl boy briefs in white with red stripes
Favorite shirt - The one with the tiny pocket in front
Cologne/Perfume - Gap Simple
Tattoos - I wish...but none
Piercing - both ears
In my mouth - leftovers, eew
In my head - should I wash the dishes
Wishing - to buy a house
After this - I will wash the dishes
Fetishes - shoes
Person you wish you could see right now - Daddy
Is next to you - bag to my left and vacuum to my right
Some of your favorite movies - When a Man Loves a Woman, 25th Hour
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - Payday
The last thing you ate - garlic bread
Something that you are afraid of - needles and ghosts
Do you like candles - have some in almost every room
Do you like incense - same as above
Do you like the taste of blood - ack
Do you believe in love - ask me again next year
Do you believe in soul mates - yes
Do you believe in love at first sight - Hell no!
Do you believe in Heaven - of course!
Do you believe in God - definitely
Who is your worst enemy - MYSELF
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - I have one, a dog
What is the latest you've ever stayed up - till 10 a.m.
Can you eat with chopsticks - yeah
What's your favorite coin - I don't like coins, only bills. Hehehe.
What are some of your favorite animals - doggie woggies
What's something that you wish people would understand - why people do the things they do
It is a Friday night, and I am at home answering this stupid survey.
The handsome, gentle dentist and the ride home
I would just like to say thank you to my handsome, gentle dentist for being so handsome and gentle. If it were not for him, a man poking me in the gums with a long needle while breathing on my face through a face mask would be unbearable. Thank you young handsome, gentle, blue-eyed dentist. It was my pleasure to be your patient today. (This is not the novacaine talking.)
Today, I saw a grandma hunched over with old age run across the street because she was conscious that a truck was waiting to make a left turn. On my way home, I saw grandpa hunched over with old age sprint across Ocean Blvd. to give way for the cars who were turning left. Twice in one day. What has this world come to?
What else did I notice?
I noticed that there wasn't any traffic on the way home. Not that I was in a hurry. Today is Friday. I have no plans. Nuff said.
Today, I saw a grandma hunched over with old age run across the street because she was conscious that a truck was waiting to make a left turn. On my way home, I saw grandpa hunched over with old age sprint across Ocean Blvd. to give way for the cars who were turning left. Twice in one day. What has this world come to?
What else did I notice?
I noticed that there wasn't any traffic on the way home. Not that I was in a hurry. Today is Friday. I have no plans. Nuff said.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Best friends and stoopid girls
I finally got to chat with IR today. IR is the best friend. The male/asexual/used-to-be-rebound-crush best friend. The pick-me-up-I'm-bored and entertain-me-when-I'm-heart-broken best friend. IR is my go-to-guy, my patient, caring, stupid, funny best friend.
Anyway, he tells me that he's in love with some Patricia girl. Every time he says this, that he's fallen for someone, I'm automatically pissed off and a bit jealous. Other than my being the narcissist, hoping to be the only non-related female he will ever care for for the rest of his life, there are other reasons for my violent expressions of acceptance. I would be more than happy to hand him over to the next woman deserving of his affection (Ok, slightly happy), but she has to be more than worth it. And though, IR, I think you are yucky-looking and sway more to the right than totally straight, I honestly believe that you are a GOOD person- that a woman must know how to care for you and love you. She must not only know from her heart, but she should know how to manifest this knowledge. At this point, there is no woman that I have met who seems even close enough to be girl-friend material for you. So, you must forgive me for being less than willing to hand you over to some witless girl from some province who by-chance hugs you while you're watching The Passion. In case you really do fall in love with her, you give me permission to squish her tiny head with my fat fingers if she even thinks about breaking your heart.
Besides, setting aside the fact you're yucky-looking and way beyond last choice, I have to remind you that I will be accepting your proposal when I turn 30. So there!
Anyway, he tells me that he's in love with some Patricia girl. Every time he says this, that he's fallen for someone, I'm automatically pissed off and a bit jealous. Other than my being the narcissist, hoping to be the only non-related female he will ever care for for the rest of his life, there are other reasons for my violent expressions of acceptance. I would be more than happy to hand him over to the next woman deserving of his affection (Ok, slightly happy), but she has to be more than worth it. And though, IR, I think you are yucky-looking and sway more to the right than totally straight, I honestly believe that you are a GOOD person- that a woman must know how to care for you and love you. She must not only know from her heart, but she should know how to manifest this knowledge. At this point, there is no woman that I have met who seems even close enough to be girl-friend material for you. So, you must forgive me for being less than willing to hand you over to some witless girl from some province who by-chance hugs you while you're watching The Passion. In case you really do fall in love with her, you give me permission to squish her tiny head with my fat fingers if she even thinks about breaking your heart.
Besides, setting aside the fact you're yucky-looking and way beyond last choice, I have to remind you that I will be accepting your proposal when I turn 30. So there!
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
The Booger
My brother told me about an article he read about boogers (Pecker, that's kulangot). It turns out, a doctor researched the eating of boogers to be good for the immune system. This endeavor also helps relax the individual, he says. There's enough germs in a booger to make you fend off the common ailments. Mom was quite entertained by this story (I'm not surprised).
I have boogers. I pick them when I'm at home, in front of my family who has to love me no matter what. I, however, don't eat them (don't listen to what the kids say, they're all lies!!!). I do not wish to eat them, nor will I ever eat them, even if I were stuck in a building for 10 hours with nothing to eat.
I like my vitamins, thank you very much. Besides, I breathe in enough germs from the Long Beach Coast everyday to boost my immune system.
Boogers were quite fascinating when I was a kid, though. We would all pick our noses and run around with boogers on the tips of our fingers threatening our terrified friends to come closer. Who's "we"? Don't front. Y'all know who you are!
Anyway, a booger is a booger is a kulangot. You pick 'em, you eat 'em. It's not a big deal, as long as you do it on your own time.
Pass the tissue, please.
I have boogers. I pick them when I'm at home, in front of my family who has to love me no matter what. I, however, don't eat them (don't listen to what the kids say, they're all lies!!!). I do not wish to eat them, nor will I ever eat them, even if I were stuck in a building for 10 hours with nothing to eat.
I like my vitamins, thank you very much. Besides, I breathe in enough germs from the Long Beach Coast everyday to boost my immune system.
Boogers were quite fascinating when I was a kid, though. We would all pick our noses and run around with boogers on the tips of our fingers threatening our terrified friends to come closer. Who's "we"? Don't front. Y'all know who you are!
Anyway, a booger is a booger is a kulangot. You pick 'em, you eat 'em. It's not a big deal, as long as you do it on your own time.
Pass the tissue, please.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Adobo
I had dinner at FH's apartment. She called me at work. Because of this, I didn't go to the gym again. We had a long, tiring, yet amusing discussion. Qball is engaged. And the volcano is awakened.
It's a long story. Let's call it one of the ironies of life.
We're at that point already, where marriage is the next step.
How scary. I shudder at the thought of compromising my freedom. Brrr.
I looked through my album by chance. Pictures bring out the best and worst of me. The last 10 pages were pictures of the exes. (Sigh) Each face reflects a puzzle of random memories.
How lonely.
How sweet.
How I wish I could go back and relive the special moments, even the bad ones are worth experiencing.
I want to go back to 1996 and walk around SM City with LL and his younger brother after watching Glimmer Man.
I want to go back to 2000 and have lunch with Tisoy at Robinson's Place.
I want to go back to 2001 and sit at the tambayan with the brods and laugh and tell jokes.
I want to go back to 1994 and write the lyrics to "When can I see you again?" in the notebook that LL and I exchanged letters in.
I want to find the pieces, the ones I thought I lost along the way. I want to see and feel the warmth of the funny looks and awkward giggles. I want to feel the comfort of the hands that intertwined with mine. I want to go back to that time when I was sure that I was safe and secure and excited to live each day by his side.
I want to go back.
It's a long story. Let's call it one of the ironies of life.
We're at that point already, where marriage is the next step.
How scary. I shudder at the thought of compromising my freedom. Brrr.
I looked through my album by chance. Pictures bring out the best and worst of me. The last 10 pages were pictures of the exes. (Sigh) Each face reflects a puzzle of random memories.
How lonely.
How sweet.
How I wish I could go back and relive the special moments, even the bad ones are worth experiencing.
I want to go back to 1996 and walk around SM City with LL and his younger brother after watching Glimmer Man.
I want to go back to 2000 and have lunch with Tisoy at Robinson's Place.
I want to go back to 2001 and sit at the tambayan with the brods and laugh and tell jokes.
I want to go back to 1994 and write the lyrics to "When can I see you again?" in the notebook that LL and I exchanged letters in.
I want to find the pieces, the ones I thought I lost along the way. I want to see and feel the warmth of the funny looks and awkward giggles. I want to feel the comfort of the hands that intertwined with mine. I want to go back to that time when I was sure that I was safe and secure and excited to live each day by his side.
I want to go back.
Monday, April 05, 2004
And I thought I was all screwed up
| ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population. |
I had to take this for my Org Behavior class in February. I used to be ENFJ. Go figure! A lot of things can change within two months.
Monday morning
When you approach me at 8:00 on a Monday morning and start off with, "Can you do me a favor?," you officially give me the permission to shoot you on the crotch with three red paint balls.
For a Monday right after daylight savings time, I'm dealing with extraordinarily lazy shit here. Not only did I have to contend with the fact that I lost an hour worth of sleep because we had to advance our clocks 60 minutes ahead, I was also greeted by two wonderful officemates as soon as I sat at my desk.
I will go to Islands and indulge, paint ball gun in hand.
Get off my back or I'll shoot.
For a Monday right after daylight savings time, I'm dealing with extraordinarily lazy shit here. Not only did I have to contend with the fact that I lost an hour worth of sleep because we had to advance our clocks 60 minutes ahead, I was also greeted by two wonderful officemates as soon as I sat at my desk.
I will go to Islands and indulge, paint ball gun in hand.
Get off my back or I'll shoot.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
The half-truth not admitted
FROZEN QUEEN
You dont want love to come through to you. You like
it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need
to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you.
You are already used to it. You say to yourself
that you dont need anyone, that you stand on
your own two feet or that you dont have time
for these things. But in reality you are scared
to get hurt. You feel safe where you are: by
yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You
invent your own relationship in your dreams.
You just need to know that you COULD get a
partner.
Thats it.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
And I thought I was only standoffish.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Can we still be friends? does not apply to you
I hate to admit it, but it's true. I realized it while it was happening, but I could not stop it. I am still very careful with LL's feelings. Again, I will not ask myself why. We were chatting and he was rambling on and on about me leaving without notice and, once again, being upset with him. Unlike with Schoolboy and Fb, I didn't cut him off and I wasn't as blunt. I didn't tell him outright that I found no pleasure in seeing him again. I gave the common ex-girl friend excuse- I was busy, but at least we saw each other twice. Ok, that isn't so common. The point is I wasn't my mean, heartless self.
But I digress.
CBF and I discussed this and she suggested that I might not be over him like I thought or was hoping to be. There's nothing I can say about this. There is no point in justifying the irony of this tattered portion of my life.
Seeing his name on my YM isn't as easy as I thought it would be, especially when I'm online for more than three hours and he doesn't even say hello. Maybe it's because I secretly hope that he will soon realize he no longer has me at his whim. This is the secret hope of all ex-girl friends that have moved on. We're not really supposed to care, but our egos crave the victory of seeing you grovel. We want you to try and indirectly use your charms to test the waters, only to discover that the river is dry.
So much for trying to be friends. I don't think, at this point, it is possible. I cannot erase 10 years. I cannot pretend that I wasn't selfish with his love for almost half my life, nor can I deny the thousand endless nights of full moons and acid tears. I will keep these memories close to remind me never to return to that place again- where I walked with him in solitude, a slave to the senses.
LL, forgive me for this fault. Forgive me for not being able to find the mark where past pains are forgotten and present healing begins. Forgive me for not being like you, the actor that you are. You are magnificent. I envy your talent of hollow laughter on cue and deception at its finest. I will continue on, no baggage at hand. And I will cherish the good and the bad, as I promised again and again on the many days we vowed to be one.
Forever only exists in the grays, where my dreams are clouded by your premonition.
May you forever exist where I cannot reach you.
But I digress.
CBF and I discussed this and she suggested that I might not be over him like I thought or was hoping to be. There's nothing I can say about this. There is no point in justifying the irony of this tattered portion of my life.
Seeing his name on my YM isn't as easy as I thought it would be, especially when I'm online for more than three hours and he doesn't even say hello. Maybe it's because I secretly hope that he will soon realize he no longer has me at his whim. This is the secret hope of all ex-girl friends that have moved on. We're not really supposed to care, but our egos crave the victory of seeing you grovel. We want you to try and indirectly use your charms to test the waters, only to discover that the river is dry.
So much for trying to be friends. I don't think, at this point, it is possible. I cannot erase 10 years. I cannot pretend that I wasn't selfish with his love for almost half my life, nor can I deny the thousand endless nights of full moons and acid tears. I will keep these memories close to remind me never to return to that place again- where I walked with him in solitude, a slave to the senses.
LL, forgive me for this fault. Forgive me for not being able to find the mark where past pains are forgotten and present healing begins. Forgive me for not being like you, the actor that you are. You are magnificent. I envy your talent of hollow laughter on cue and deception at its finest. I will continue on, no baggage at hand. And I will cherish the good and the bad, as I promised again and again on the many days we vowed to be one.
Forever only exists in the grays, where my dreams are clouded by your premonition.
May you forever exist where I cannot reach you.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
There's no such as thing as bad luck, only shitty moments
...I learned that it's not good to walk in 3 1/2" CFM, pointy-toe boots at work.
...I also learned never to hang a pen on the company badge that hangs on my chest because it is possible to stain one's new camel-colored pants while sitting down. (Grr)
...A week of being a sloth and going to the gym but once will cause me to gain 6 lbs.
...I am chatting with LL right now. I had the feeling he was going to be online before I logged on. I will not ask myself why there is a familiar pinch in my chest- the kind where a memory turns into feeling. I know the reason. It is residue. I knew that it would be there. That is why I decided to finally chat with him. To get it over with. To brush the dust off my shoulder.
...I'm tired.
...Today is a long day.
...I also learned never to hang a pen on the company badge that hangs on my chest because it is possible to stain one's new camel-colored pants while sitting down. (Grr)
...A week of being a sloth and going to the gym but once will cause me to gain 6 lbs.
...I am chatting with LL right now. I had the feeling he was going to be online before I logged on. I will not ask myself why there is a familiar pinch in my chest- the kind where a memory turns into feeling. I know the reason. It is residue. I knew that it would be there. That is why I decided to finally chat with him. To get it over with. To brush the dust off my shoulder.
...I'm tired.
...Today is a long day.
Monday, March 29, 2004
The weekend
Ok, so, the past two days, I was busy (being a sloth). I took Mom shopping and ended up spending loads on myself. That ain't too bad. I need the stuff anyway.
On to more mundane things:
I dreamt about LL's family this weekend, which was probably a premonition of the e-mail that I received from him today. I've forwarded it already, but I still have it in my inbox. I'm keeping it there for a while, because he hasn't e-mailed me in so long and I like seeing his name. No, I don't love him anymore. No, I don't miss him. And even if I did, I wouldn't admit it. So, shoot me!
I took Ulan and Ani out on Saturday. They're both in the same boat, both broken-hearted. We were having a pretty good dinner, discussing the intricacies of broken-down relationships, when Ulan's cousin called. She suggested that she should stay at the party that her roommates were having for at least 30 minutes. Lo' and behol', her ex-boy friend was there, too.
I was brutally frank. I think I almost made Ulan cry. She was quiet while I berated her for being a dumbass. She took deep breaths, while I went on and on about how he didn't care anymore and that she should stop living the illusion that one day he'll come back.
It wasn't mean of me, I'm sure. There is no room left for the common consoling, mushy, hopeful words and all. I had to put it down hard. She needs to be reminded of her worth, that she can live without him. I gave her everything I learned in four years in one brash speech.
The truth is, when it comes to love, no one ever learns from others. We must go through it to find the way out. Sometimes, though, when we're free, it's never what we thought it would be.
On to more mundane things:
I dreamt about LL's family this weekend, which was probably a premonition of the e-mail that I received from him today. I've forwarded it already, but I still have it in my inbox. I'm keeping it there for a while, because he hasn't e-mailed me in so long and I like seeing his name. No, I don't love him anymore. No, I don't miss him. And even if I did, I wouldn't admit it. So, shoot me!
I took Ulan and Ani out on Saturday. They're both in the same boat, both broken-hearted. We were having a pretty good dinner, discussing the intricacies of broken-down relationships, when Ulan's cousin called. She suggested that she should stay at the party that her roommates were having for at least 30 minutes. Lo' and behol', her ex-boy friend was there, too.
I was brutally frank. I think I almost made Ulan cry. She was quiet while I berated her for being a dumbass. She took deep breaths, while I went on and on about how he didn't care anymore and that she should stop living the illusion that one day he'll come back.
It wasn't mean of me, I'm sure. There is no room left for the common consoling, mushy, hopeful words and all. I had to put it down hard. She needs to be reminded of her worth, that she can live without him. I gave her everything I learned in four years in one brash speech.
The truth is, when it comes to love, no one ever learns from others. We must go through it to find the way out. Sometimes, though, when we're free, it's never what we thought it would be.
Friday, March 26, 2004
Tomorrow
Tomorrow, I have a scheduled meeting with Ulan and Lolo. I call it "meeting" because it's not a date. Anyway, this means going to Whittier to pick up Lolo, which is fine with me since I'm always up for a roadtrip/adventure. I think I'll take us to South Coast Plaza, where Albert and I went for our second and final date. The funny thing with Ulan and Lolo is that they are each other's ex's. Who would have thought they would both end up here, experiencing the same thing (both have just broken up with their partners), and living three minutes away from each other. Fate or coincidence?
I don't believe in fate, but it seems that Fate believes in me. This makes all the difference.
This also means that I have to take my delinquent ass to the gym tomorrow morning. I only went once this week, and, only because I had nothing better to do before my dentist appointment on Wednesday. I can't wait. I have to remind myself to buy Gatorade when I go (window) shopping with Mom tonight.
I finished paying my bills this morning. &%#$@$!
Pecker and I chatted this morning, too. It's funny how guys try overstepping their boundaries and to see how far they can take the conversation. I'm not a prude, but I don't give answers to questions regarding the numbers of body parts and the like. It's ok, Pecker, you're forgiven.
So far, the day has gone by like water in a toilet. Flushed down the drain and I don't know where I'm headed (yet).
I think I'll stop by Nine West today and do some therapy shopping. (Sigh)
I don't believe in fate, but it seems that Fate believes in me. This makes all the difference.
This also means that I have to take my delinquent ass to the gym tomorrow morning. I only went once this week, and, only because I had nothing better to do before my dentist appointment on Wednesday. I can't wait. I have to remind myself to buy Gatorade when I go (window) shopping with Mom tonight.
I finished paying my bills this morning. &%#$@$!
Pecker and I chatted this morning, too. It's funny how guys try overstepping their boundaries and to see how far they can take the conversation. I'm not a prude, but I don't give answers to questions regarding the numbers of body parts and the like. It's ok, Pecker, you're forgiven.
So far, the day has gone by like water in a toilet. Flushed down the drain and I don't know where I'm headed (yet).
I think I'll stop by Nine West today and do some therapy shopping. (Sigh)
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Mundane office workday
I finally got my lost package of office supplies from FedEx. After unpacking the box, I had the urge to sharpen a pencil that I ordered for one of the engineers. I haven't used a wooden pencil in a long time. I think the last time I used one was way back in middle school. I remember when they gave us the list of things to buy for the next school year and erasable ballpens were on it, it felt like we were coming of age. It was a symbol that society trusted us eleven-year-olds, somehow- that we could declare something in ink and use the pen eraser only when we were really sure we wanted to take back what we said. That was a great thing. Using a ballpen for the first time meant no turning back- no more pink spots on schoolwork or holes from constant erasing. Ballpens meant you had to be sure you had enough conviction to give the world a piece of your mind. It's just like learning how to drive and getting your own car. Public transportation, then, becomes ghastly. Or when you get your first paycheck, there's no way you can ask your parents for extra cash unless you have a face made of pigskin.
On second thought, the paycheck part is a bit overboard. I'd still ask my dad for money, just for ol' time's sake. Walking to places ain't so bad either. Not all places, though. Everything in SoCal is miles apart. But pencils, I can still do without. I have a lot of conviction and enough on my mind to ink and blot everywhere I go.
On second thought, the paycheck part is a bit overboard. I'd still ask my dad for money, just for ol' time's sake. Walking to places ain't so bad either. Not all places, though. Everything in SoCal is miles apart. But pencils, I can still do without. I have a lot of conviction and enough on my mind to ink and blot everywhere I go.
Clarification
Though I HATE the color PINK, I have pink skivvies. Shame on me.
There goes useless contradiction.
This is the evidence of the irony in my life.
I'm such an effing girl! Can't make up my effing mind (less than half the time)!
There goes useless contradiction.
This is the evidence of the irony in my life.
I'm such an effing girl! Can't make up my effing mind (less than half the time)!
5 Random Things About Me
I can't think of anything at random, I realize. My brain is so effing organized that if I so much as put any effort in randomness, my thought process screws up. I'm serious. I tried it once, and I went haywire. I was confused the whole day. Same goes for my life, too. I'm organized. Though I am no longer as obssessive-compulsive about my bidness, I pretty much stick to the tried-and-tested.
Let me try being random today:
1. Ummmm
2. Duhhh
Forget it. Random things about me do not exist. OH...wait, I thought of something.
1. I try to wear skivvies that are the same color as the shirt I'm going to wear for the day
2. I HATE the color PINK (blech)
Ok. I'm stumped. I won't try any harder. Thinking of two things at random is good enough.
Hooray for not-pink skivvies!
Let me try being random today:
1. Ummmm
2. Duhhh
Forget it. Random things about me do not exist. OH...wait, I thought of something.
1. I try to wear skivvies that are the same color as the shirt I'm going to wear for the day
2. I HATE the color PINK (blech)
Ok. I'm stumped. I won't try any harder. Thinking of two things at random is good enough.
Hooray for not-pink skivvies!
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Addicted
I am absolutely addicted to my foreign soap! I'm almost done with the series. I watch an average of two episodes a night because I can't wait till the next day. That's why I have had no time for anything else. My bud told me to (with broken Chinese accent): "Slow down, woman. What you gonna do when the series is over? You gonna have withdrawal symptoms like an addict!" I laughed when he said this, but, in my heart, I know it's true.
Pathetic.
And I'm in love with one of the characters too.
And who said being single isn't fun?
Pathetic.
And I'm in love with one of the characters too.
And who said being single isn't fun?
Monday, March 22, 2004
Absent
I was absent during the weekend because I spent most of my time with my family. I went shopping with Mom on Saturday and had dinner with FH, her boy friend, QBall, and their childhood friend.
I realized that the hardest thing about having a really good memory is that you can't forget anything. Well, you can't forget the things you want to forget that easily. I've found a way to block out certain memories, but when my defenses are down, they creep up on me. There are certain things that I would love to not remember, like the years I spent with LL. (Chuckles to self) But that's like pretending to be 12 again or having amnesia for the past 10 years. I have to be fair to myself and my experience. I have to be fair to him, too. We did have some great times together. It was the pursuit of the happiness he caused me to feel that made me hold on for so long. I pretended that the pain didn't matter, so as long as, one day, we'd finally be happy again. These happy times are the things I want to not remember because they play tricks on me. Sometimes, I must admit, an itty-bitty part of me entertains the possibility that I could love him again. This only happens during my relationship-angst stages. (Thank God!) And since I believe that love is a choice, I choose and will continue to choose not to love him for my sake. Besides, it was all an illusion, a world I made up for myself.
I can't wait for the another chance to love someone. This time, I want to do it right.
Dum di dum...and the ranting continues. Here we go again.
Where are you? What's taking you so long?
I realized that the hardest thing about having a really good memory is that you can't forget anything. Well, you can't forget the things you want to forget that easily. I've found a way to block out certain memories, but when my defenses are down, they creep up on me. There are certain things that I would love to not remember, like the years I spent with LL. (Chuckles to self) But that's like pretending to be 12 again or having amnesia for the past 10 years. I have to be fair to myself and my experience. I have to be fair to him, too. We did have some great times together. It was the pursuit of the happiness he caused me to feel that made me hold on for so long. I pretended that the pain didn't matter, so as long as, one day, we'd finally be happy again. These happy times are the things I want to not remember because they play tricks on me. Sometimes, I must admit, an itty-bitty part of me entertains the possibility that I could love him again. This only happens during my relationship-angst stages. (Thank God!) And since I believe that love is a choice, I choose and will continue to choose not to love him for my sake. Besides, it was all an illusion, a world I made up for myself.
I can't wait for the another chance to love someone. This time, I want to do it right.
Dum di dum...and the ranting continues. Here we go again.
Where are you? What's taking you so long?